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It’s a trope of motoring show Top Gear that James May never beats anyone or wins anything.

His nickname is Captain Slow, he’s famously cautious when it comes to vehicle selection (where rules allow, he will always select a Volvo for challenges) and notoriously awful at utilising the allure afforded to him by fame and proximity to Jeremy Clarkson.

 
On every measurable scale, Karim Benzema should thrash James May.

But as you can see from the above clip, the Real Madrid forward made a rookie mistake when arriving at training in his black and chrome Bugatti Veyron. One hand on the steering wheel, the other probing his expensive teeth, he wanted to appear as though he couldn’t have cared less whether he was driving £2m worth of supercar or a milkfloat.

You’ve just shilled that much money on a car engineered, crafted and designed to be the most powerful, beautiful means of transport on this planet and you don’t care?

 
You’re a prat, Benzema. May might be jiggling around in an orange jumpsuit, but at least he’s getting something from the experience.

Take some tips from the newly crowned Captain Cool. You could use them.

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By Kelly Welles

Real Madrid, James May, Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear, Karim Benzema

 
They’re used to blokes getting overexcited and trying to plant things in inappropriate places at Fenerbahçe, but eyebrows were still raised on Monday when goalkeeper Volkan Demirel launched his crotch at hapless pelanty taker Felipe Melo after he skied the decisive strike in the Turkish Supercup.

After initially making a dart to his left post, Demirel took a decent run up and smashed Melo with his hips. It’s unclear quite what he was trying to do, but we can confirm that Melo’s face bore none of the hesitation marks the centre circle of the Şükrü Saracoğlu stadium did after Souness and his infamous insertion.

beard

Former Chelsea and Liverpool midfielder Raul Meireles celebrated Fener’s win in a much more respectful manner. By posting a picture of his ruddy great beard next to the trophy.

Better.

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By Kelly Welles

Galatasaray, Volkan Demirel, Fenerbahçe, Turkish Supercup, Graeme Souness, Felipe Melo, Raul Meireles

 
Juve’s latest social media campaign requires you to impress Andrea Pirlo with your skills.

Given that he remains unmoved by an axe balancer, an opera singer and a couple of flirty surfers, it’s highly unlikely that staring intently into his eyes before dribbling all over his smart Jeep trackie top and collapsing into a heap at his feet is going to impress football’s official arbiter of cool.

Effectively rules us out then, doesn’t it?

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By Kelly Welles

Juventus, Andrea Pirlo, Jeep

 
We’re getting close to a YouTube montage situation here, people. I’m thinking a choice selection of World Cup misses interspersed with panoramic face palms and the now notorious sadface on the bench, all soundtracked by The Longpigs heart wrenching ode to never-ending pain : On and On.

This penalty miss deserves a looping crescendo, wouldn’t you say?

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By Kelly Welles

Brazil, Fred, The Longpigs

 
At least he put the kid down first. Perhaps he’s mellowing with age.

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By Kelly Welles

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H/T The Secret Journalist.

Diego Maradona

 
You thought that Michael Owen’s outrageous and frequently hilarious hubris had retired with him, didn’t you?

You were wrong. The man who shook the world (in his day) was having a kick about with Conference Premier side Chester FC when struck the ball into the goal so hard, the net needed fixing.

Did you get that? He hit it so hard, THE NET NEEDED FIXING. OKAY?

Good. As you were.

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By Kelly Welles

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H/T @waatp.

Michael Owen, Chester FC

sag

Really, Cristiano?

 
Are you sure?

Because while we’re certain the aforementioned sagging is high on your list of worries, you don’t seem to be sufficiently bothered to actually demonstrate this ‘facial fitness’ device in the advertisement.

pao

It makes us suspect that you know that using this thing makes a person look like they’re in need of an intervention.

Were you hoping we wouldn’t notice?

fess

You should know us better than that by now, mate.

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By Kelly Welles

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Images via shlab.com.

Cristiano Ronaldo, Pao

 
The confluence of events enabling Luis Suarez to be banned from both international and club football for such a significant period of time that his first game back would be against his new club’s arch rivals was so serendipitous, we almost believed that Pepe would have taken anger management classes, just to counterbalance fate.

realroma

Thankfully, we don’t have that kind of influence over world events just yet. And the Portuguese madman has once again proved he’s as capable as ever of getting into rows, offering hope that his encounter with Suarez in October will be the meaty affair we’re all secretly hoping for.

pepe

Last night, Seydou Keita refused to shake Pepe’s hand prior to Madrid’s friendly against Roma in Dallas; a move that has been linked back to an unpleasant incident between the pair in a Supercopa game back in 2011, when Keita accused Pepe of calling him a ‘monkey’.

Keita then threw a bottle of water at Pepe, narrowly missing the defender’s head, but provoking El Clasico-esque scenes between the players.

 
At some time during the festivities a football match broke out, Sergio Ramos got nutmegged (2.26) and Fransceco Totti scored the decisive goal.

Best fighting trousers on, Ramblers! The real El Clasico is going to be a barnstormer this year.

Assuming Pepe doesn’t get himself a ban. That’d be suitably ironic.

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By Kelly Welles

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Images: larepublica, Twitter.

Liverpool, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Roma, Luis Suarez, Francesco Totti

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