The Football Ramble
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Two things.

If you’re going to call a press conference to announce you have just been selected for U21 duty, the chances are, it’s probably fair to say you enjoy a bit of attention.

Secondly, this kind of parental mentalism takes years of work to accomplish. It doesn’t just come out of the blue and you’re going to have experienced the fallout before reaching to age of 19.

Still, congratulations to Pione Sisto on at least attemptng to harness the mayhem upon his call upi for Denmark’s U21 squad. And simultaneously turning an otherwise borning and unneccessary presser into an experience those journalists are never likely to forget.

He’ll go far, that one.

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By Kelly Welles

Pione Sisto, Denmark

This video from last month showed us what happened when a gang of Arsenal players were stuffed into a Citroen with a woman purporting to be Arsenal Ladies’ latest recruit. (It was actually stunt driver Annalease Ferrari.)

You’d imagine they’d be used to travelling in a vehicle driven by someone who appears to have lost control of their faculties, wouldn’t you?

Then again, maybe not.

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By Kelly Welles

Arsenal

Maciek Adamiak, the chap reponsible for this joyful bit of trickery, isn’t even a professional player. The game was a charity match between two Polish television channels a couple of months ago.

Our Poland office* has confirmed that Adamiak won a Polish talent show called ‘Supertalent’, a show in which contestants perform a series of challenges to win a contract with a TV station.

 
Which, if this clip is any evidence, was a contract to be a weatherman.

Nevermind, Maciek. If the meteorology gig doesn’t pan out, you can always have a crack at the footie.

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By Kelly Welles

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*When we say ‘our Poland office’ we mean Kelly, google translate and a fair bit of creative licence. If you don’t know that already, you’re not spending enough time on the site.

Maciek Adamiak, TVP Warsaw

I can think of someone who’d be much more suited to a shed based romcom starring Svennigans in uniform.

Can’t you?

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By Kelly Welles

Sven Goran Eriksson

Our willingness to peer into the odour imbued, jock strap festooned places that professional sportsmen get changed took a knock this week when former England rugby international Matt Dawson shared an anecdote about being molested on the bottom in a locker room with a cactus.

daws

Indeed, having watched the opening moments of this video, which features Standard Liege’s 2013/14 squad, we feared the chap in the cardboard box was about to meet a similar, indelicate end. Aimlessly wandering around the locker room, his vision impaired, to our addled imaginations he seemed destined for a vigorous thwacking with the nearest pot plant. It was a sight we weren’t sure our conscious minds could cope with.

Some of you may find what happens next even more offensive, but much, much smarter.

Our faith, has (at least temporarily) been restored.

Happy Friday, Ramblers!

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By Kelly Welles

Matt Dawson, Standard Liege

marcus

Two days ago, we presented you with this.

It was our ‘Breaking the Internet’ moment and at the time we wondered whether we could ever top Marcus having his picture taken with Ramble Hall of Famer, Friend of the Ramble & ‘unofficial’ Fifth Rambler Craig “Nuthink Nuthink result” Brown.

Turns out we can. Brace yerselves, Ramblers. It’s only a ruddy video of the interview our man conducted with Brown and Terry ‘T-Ven’ Venables!

 
We’re so proud. And while it’s tested our bandwith capacity, we have enough left to remain comfortably online for the foreseeable future.

Unless, of course, he runs into Sven during his big shop. If a picture of that hits his Twitter we’ll be back in the Dark Ages before you can say ‘‘Wellllllllll”.

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By Kelly Welles

Craig Brown, Marcus Speller, Terry Venables

Scotland 1-3 England

 
You can be sure that if England manage to cobble together a bright performance against competitive opposition, somebody, somewhere, will find a way to ensure no one is talking about it the following day.

So while we remain aware of Jack Wilshere’s visionary cross and The Ox’s tender steer, they’re mostly lost beneath the debris.

 
Wayne Rooney’s positioning for England’s second, his startling ability to shift the momentum of that not inconsiderable bulk from one direction to another to ensure contact with the ball, while mentioned in dispatches, are also buried.

Never mind that it’s precisely the testament to his quality the media were demanding before the Slovenia game. The reminder we needed that he has been special, if not the legend we wanted. That was last week’s agenda.

roy

Nope. Everyone’s talking about England fans anti-IRA chanting to the occasional (inadvertent) accompaniment of the England Supporters Band. The fact that the FA were forced to ask them to stop playing during the first half. That Roy Hodgson felt obliged to apologise for the conduct of the singing fans after the game.

Barney Ronay of the Guardian said on BBC Radio 5Live this morning that the press box at Celtic Park was close to a stand of Scotland fans, who appeared to him to be mostly bewildered by the chanting, uncertain as to the purpose behind it.

Says it all really, doesn’t it?

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Argentina 0-1 Portugal

Were you hoping that last night’s clash between the top two players in the world might offer some definitive proof of who’s better?

It didn’t. It won’t. Ever. But we can be sure of one thing. Neither will be emulating the acting success of Eric Cantona once retired from the game.

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Spain 0-1 Germany

Real Madrid midfielder Toni Kroos broke Spain’s record of 34 games unbeaten at home with this 89th minute effort. Spain also had less possession than the opposition for the first time in six years.

Further proof (if it were needed) that Pep Guardiola has a worryingly effective influence on world football.

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Slovenia 0-1 Colombia

With the defensive awareness of a FIFA 15 side set to ‘Amateur’, Slovenia conceded this goal to Colombia.

Alright, the best players in the world have struggled to contain the precocious nightmare that is James Rodriguez, but turning your back on him?

perry

We’re with Perry on this one.

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By Kelly Welles

England, Portugal, Germany, Spain, Argentina, Colombia, Scotland, Slovenia

They say nature abhors a vacuum and with Dapper Laughs being manually forced back into the grubby hole (fnar) from whence he came, we should have expected this.

Set the Attention Seeking Bell End artillery to ‘Obliterate’, please. And call Mario. He’s going to want to be in on this.

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By Kelly Welles

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H/T @Adam_M_Ali, Bleacher Report.

 

Mario Balotelli

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