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As you’ll be aware, the patented Luke Moore Penalty Algorithm (patent pending) was a crucial factor in your enjoyment of the World Cup.

Indeed, a recent survey concluded that 97% of the Ramble demographic would be UNABLE to continue enjoying football without access to the algorithm. Fearing that without immediate action, the game as we know it might die out, Luke spent several minutes over the summer testing and developing the algorithm, eager to play his part.

His findings were presented to an audience of respected academics in the United States, with early exit polls indicating that football is now safe.

The Football Ramble. Influencing the game. You’re welcome.


By Kelly Welles



See that? That bloke diving to his right, realising he’s made a mistake, scrambling to his feet, diving to his left and making the save anyway ISN’T EVEN A KEEPER.

He’s Michael Tarnat, a man who began Bayern Munich’s Bundesliga fixture vs. Frankfurt in September 1999 in defence, before watching not one, but two keepers capitulate to injury and manfully stepping into the breach.

You want more?

When he played for Manchester City he scored this absolute blunderbuss of a free kick.

Tarnat is now a talent scout for Bayern Munich. Figures.


By Kelly Welles


H/T @gabeh7.

Bayern Munich, Manchester City, Michael Tarnat


At first glance, this stunning footage (shot prior to Argentina’s friendly with the USA on March 26, 2011) of Lionel Messi scoring twice from one kick is just further confirmation that he is the finest player ever to tread god’s green turf.


Then you remember Darren Bent did it for Sunderland in a Premier League match in 2009 and you’re confronted with the possibility that, for at least thirteen seconds of his life, Lionel Messi might have been inspired to emulate the work of England’s second most unfortunate striker.

It’s a funny old game.


By Kelly Welles

Liverpool, Barcelona, Lionel Messi, Sunderland, Darren Bent, Beachball

He’s not fist pumping because he met the Pope. He’s fist pumping because he got into the Vatican without attracting the attention of the Italian tax authorities.



By Kelly Welles

Argentina, Diego Maradona, Pope Francis

While Paddy Power’s ‘Rainbow Laces’ campaign received a lot of positive coverage last year, many (including us) questioned whether encouraging top flight players to brighten up their already blinding footwear was a little low key to promote real change.

We feared that while certain players might use the campaign to ingratiate themselves with a cause they deemed worthy and popular, real solidarity and progress would only be assured if a significant number of big name players got involved.

To those supporters out there who hurl homophobic insults at players and fans from those spaces in football built on insecurity, fear and ignorance: how’s it feel in there?

Getting a bit tight now, is it?


By Kelly Welles

Arsenal, Paddy Power, #RainbowLaces

Aside from having one of the finest names in world football, Alfreð Finnbogason was the top scorer in the Eredivisie in the 2013/14 season, and last night was set to receive an award when it all got a bit too much for him.

Same thing happened to me once, while I was doing computer games presentation for HMV. I’d smoked too many menthol cigarettes to ease my nerves and collapsed onto a flipchart.

He’s an athlete though. Unlikely to be dim enough to smoke. Or be working in retail with Christmas coming up, for that matter.


By Kelly Welles


H/T @simonjjames.

Eredivisie, Alfreð Finnbogason, Heerenveen, Ruud van Nistelrooy

It’s a trope of motoring show Top Gear that James May never beats anyone or wins anything.

His nickname is Captain Slow, he’s famously cautious when it comes to vehicle selection (where rules allow, he will always select a Volvo for challenges) and notoriously awful at utilising the allure afforded to him by fame and proximity to Jeremy Clarkson.

On every measurable scale, Karim Benzema should thrash James May.

But as you can see from the above clip, the Real Madrid forward made a rookie mistake when arriving at training in his black and chrome Bugatti Veyron. One hand on the steering wheel, the other probing his expensive teeth, he wanted to appear as though he couldn’t have cared less whether he was driving £2m worth of supercar or a milkfloat.

You’ve just shilled that much money on a car engineered, crafted and designed to be the most powerful, beautiful means of transport on this planet and you don’t care?

You’re a prat, Benzema. May might be jiggling around in an orange jumpsuit, but at least he’s getting something from the experience.

Take some tips from the newly crowned Captain Cool. You could use them.


By Kelly Welles

Real Madrid, James May, Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear, Karim Benzema

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