The Football Ramble
Est 2007. The most entertaining voice in football

adidas Present: The School Shoes Collection?

2 March 2015

Everyone loves it when a manager takes a spill on the pitch because he’s wearing ‘proper’ shoes, but this is probably taking it a bit far.


The question that’s vexing me is whether adidas have released these patent leather look boots - the latest in their #ThereWillBeHaters campaign - for the benefit of players or managers?


Oh well, as long as the studs work*, I’m sure they’ll be fine either way.


By Kelly Welles

*Sorry Liverpool fans. That was cheap. But irresistible wink


Image via

Weekend Highlights: Help us, Obi-Wan Pellegrini. You’re our only hope…

2 March 2015

Or at least you were, until you abdicated from your position as the people’s representative, effectively ceding the title to Chelsea and ensuring more scenes like the one above.

Sorry Chelsea fans, but you know the score.

Your captain’s superb form and your manager’s annoying habit of being right (not to mention the routine hatred that trails in the wake of whichever side happens to be strolling to honours) are extremely irritating to the rest of us, and when the only team with a hope in hell of preventing South West London’s Death Star from gaining control of the footballing galaxy crashes spectacularly into a hostile planet managed by the footballing equivalent of Jar Jar Binks, it can be quite galling.

Like you care.



At the other end of the table, Aston Villa’s love affair with Tim Sherwood is on the wane after just two games.


Was it ever a love affair though, or more like a quick shag round the back of the pub that was never going to amount to anything meaningful and wasn’t really worth the trouble of removing the gilet?

Fear not though, Villa fans. For your enthusiastic suitor has a devious plan to win your affection and a place in next season’s Premier League.

“We need six wins. We have 11 games left and, as players, they need to start taking responsibility. Now is the time for points. We need a siege mentality.”

With that kind of Machiavellian genius at work, how can they fail?


Anyone know what Lu-Lu-Lu-Lukas Podolski was trying to do here? No? Ok, move on.


Here’s Sean Wright Philips, down in the tunnel trying to make it pay.

No wonder his career is in Dire Straits. BA-DUM-TISH!



Thanks for all your enquiries regarding the health and wellbeing of our illustrious presenter after his beloved Jambos put ten past Cowdenbeath.

Last time we saw him, he was driving up to Edinburgh in his bare feet. We have no idea whether he’ll be back in time for the recording of this week’s show, but that (as long time listeners will testify) could be a mixed blessing in itself.


By Kelly Welles


The Unbearable Triteness of Being (Joey Barton)

27 February 2015


Dear Lord,

Please don’t ever let Joey Barton become self-aware.

Lots of love,



By Kelly Welles


H/T @PaulSarahs.

MLS Flashback: Tasty dip, anyone?

26 February 2015

Lovely scenes from the magnificently named Dax McCarty there.

Want more? How’s about this from Newcastle United Hall of Famer Obafemi Martins during Seattle Sounders game vs. San Jose Earthquakes?

That won the MLS Goal of the Year Award 2014.

So, you know. Watch more MLS n’ that. It’s great.


By Kelly Welles

Champions League: “It’s mental”

26 February 2015

Arsenal 1-3 Monaco

Alright, it wasn’t the most spectacular collapse of the evening.

But unlike Madonna’s cape-related collapse at the Brits, Arsenal’s performance against Monaco failed to live up to expectation.

Once again they were defensively inept and woefully susceptible to the counter attack; a point articulated beautifully after Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s attempt to grab the game by the scruff of the neck in a David Beckham vs. Greece manner resulted in him scoring on ninety minutes and his team getting caught on the break seconds later.

All this begs a question. Does there come a point when dragging Arsenal, kicking and screaming, into fourth place is less of an achievement and more of a burden to Arsene Wenger and the Arsenal massive? They’ve qualified for the competition for the last eighteen seasons but haven’t moved past the last sixteen since the 2009/10 season. And unless something utterly spectacular happens in the Stade Louis II in a couple of weeks, they’ll be on their way again.

I think yes. Which has given me one of my ideas.

Let’s say, (hypothetically, please don’t blast my inbox with the financial implications of what is, quite obviously, a joke) regardless of where they finish in the 2014/15 Premier League, Arsenal should be suspended from European competition for next season.

Stay with me. You’ll love this.


Instead of midweek Champions League games, they can all go to the water park and relax, watch videos of other games to learn about the importance of “nerve & rationality” in high pressure situations and more generally how to play football for 90 minutes.

Their confidence will improve, they might even break out of this ridiculous qualifying/crashing out cycle, their spot can be passed on to someone who might use it and the fans can be spared the ignominy of performances like the one that unfolded last night.

The Emirates East Stand, yesterday.

The gaping holes in Emirates stands opening up like those craters in Siberia suggest something drastic needs to be done.

We should take our lead from FIFA here, who have this week proved what has long been suspected; f**king about with the rules is fine if it suits our purposes.

It’s for your own good, Arsenal fans. You’ll thank me when you’ve stopped banging your head off the nearest solid object.


Bayer Leverkusen 1-0 Atletico Madrid

Yep, that’s him.

Think of it this way. The likelihood of Arsenal coming back from a two away goal deficit is so low that you’re freed up to watch the second leg of this game, which is delicately poised after ten man Atletico Madrid conceded their first goal in six games.

Bayer Leverkusen will take a slender advantage to the Calderón and despite misfortune finally relocating Fernando Torres in glorious fashion, the chances are the Mattress Makers (almost up there with the Chair Boys, that one) will have enough to overturn the slender deficit at home.

There will be some sort of game, anyway. No one needs him to see him cross again.


By Kelly Welles


Sam Allardyce: Royale with gravy

25 February 2015


You’ve all seen it. But exactly where did John Travolta get the terrible idea to approach Scarlett Johansson from behind at this year’s Oscar ceremony?

Big Sam. It seems he’s bigger than we thought.


By Kelly Welles

Champions League: He’s behind you!

25 February 2015

Manchester City 1-2 Barcelona


Rumours of Barcelona’s demise have been grossly exaggerated.

That’s the impression they gave at the Etihad last night, particularly after speculation that their loss to Malaga at the weekend was due to their having half an eye on this game gained traction.

There were moments of respite for City, but Pellegrini’s boys spent most of the first twenty-five minutes camped in their own half, desperately trying to repel wave after wave of what appeared to be quick footed toxic waste.

Cheap sartorial criticism aside, Barcelona might as well have been radioactive, for all the contact Manchester City were able to have with them. And by the time Luis Suarez had reacquainted himself with English soil, they were 0-2 down and staring down the barrel of a cricket score.


Fair play to the home side, though. Their diminutive Argentine (every team should have one) grasped the rapidly withdrawing lifeline and despite having Gael Clichy sent off for a second yellow card and conceding a penalty in the final minutes, they remain in the fixture.

Seriously. Joe Hart saved a Messi penalty. Between that and the death stare, I can’t imagine he got any sleep last night.


Juventus 2-1 Borussia Dortmund


Should Ashley Barnes be honoured that his tackle on Nemanja Matic was emulated by the ambitiously coiffed Arturo Vidal?

This is just one of the questions no one was asking as Juventus huffed and puffed their way to a narrow 2-1 home win over Borussia Dortmund.

An early goal by Carlos Tevez gave the Bianconeri an early lead, but Dortmund, who’ve become used to overcoming adversity in recent weeks, quickly equalised via Denzel Washington... sorry… Marco Reus. Klopp probably keeps a copy of Reus’s recently signed contract extension next to his bed, such is the player’s importance to the relegation threatened Germans.


And fair play to the blonde, toothy lunatic. Juventus were unable to capitalise on Dortmund’s perceived weakness; despite several more chances for Tevez, Pereyra and Chiellini they will only take a one goal lead into the second leg, courtesy of Alvaro Morata.

Expect scenes in the Westfalenstadion, people!


By Kelly Welles

Kelly’s Game: YOU are the ‘supporter’

24 February 2015

Your team is in last place in the Bundesliga. Your eighteen year old centre back has just failed to control and distribute the ball and the last person you want to see bearing down on him in that situation has just nicked it and scored, putting the result beyond you.

What do you do?

1) Adjust your combat shorts and run across the pitch, simultaneously attempting to symbolically rip your season ticket up and hurl the pieces into your baffled manager’s face?

2) Start booing until Timo Baumgartl (who looks like he should still be in nappies) feels so bad he actually gives up football and becomes a milkman?

3) Hug him and tell him it’s ok?

Can we try number three for a bit? Seriously? Just for a change?


By Kelly Welles

So here it is, Seppy Christmas, everybody’s having fun!

24 February 2015

Austerity measures at FIFA #702: The boardroom

You’ve got to hand it to FIFA.

As global leaders in identifying brands that give people of all economic backgrounds pleasure and then commercialising the life out of them, it was only a matter of time before Christmas popped up on their subterranean volcano HQ radar.


In case you missed this morning’s news, a FIFA task force (above), has recommended that the World Cup 2022, awarded to Qatar on the basis that it would take place in the summer, should be played in November & December of that year, with 23rd December earmarked for the final.


We can only assume that the task force considered the implications of holding a global football tournament in and around the festive period -  the impact on domestic leagues and other competitions, player fitness, transportation difficulties for travelling fans, Richard Scudamore feeling “a little bit let down,” - but decided these were all surmountable and went with it anyway.

Not massively surprising, given that the issues already prompting concern about the tournament itself - the exploitation of migrant workers, perilous working conditions, infrastructure, Qatari law, to name a few - have either been ignored or dismissed.


The decision has yet to be ratified, but with the momentum heading in that direction, the only conclusion we can draw is that FIFA act in the best interest of FIFA.

The good of the game, the pleasure of the fans, the safety of workers, player welfare, even the legality of the bidding process are all matters of little to no significance when viewed alongside the organisations desire to open football to a new world and a new culture.”


As a great man once said, “Don’t make me sick in my mouth”.


By Kelly Welles

Weekend Highlights: And the testosterone flowed like cash…

23 February 2015

Drug testers were on high alert this weekend as several on-pitch incidents led to speculation that someone has been slipping testosterone into players’ pre-match sippy cups.

It wasn’t all fun and bodyslamming though, despite what you might have seen on social media.


Commentators found themselves in the invidious and confusing position of agreeing with Jose Mourinho as he issued malevolent threats to Martin Atkinson via his numeric code algorithm; a fact that propelled our own Luke Moore further into patent law than he ever wanted to be.

Chelsea have already appealed against the red card issued to Nemanja Matic for his response to Ashley Barnes’ attempt at amputation; a response that prompted Chris Waddle to state on BBC 606 that, given the nature of the tackle “any player would have done the same”.

Whether Ashley Barnes will receive retrospective punishment remains to be seen, but given that it was just one of four decisions Jose had an issue with, it’s fair to say that the FA and Referee’s Association will be having a good old look at the game.


It’s easy to agree with Waddle once you’ve winced your way through the different angles on that tackle. We’ll hazard a guess that he’d be less inclined to commit on Shab Khan’s work at Worcester City though.

Mainly because most players probably couldn’t pull such an efficient body slam on a fellow professional without months of practice.

Terrifying, both in reasoning and execution.


But astonishingly, not an isolated incident.

Admittedly not *quite* as impressive in terms of clean and jerk, but still.

Dude was wearing a reflective vest, for goodness sake.



Need a rest from unusual behaviour? Let me ease you back into more familiar territory by telling you that QPR captain Joey Barton flicked Tom Huddlestone in the knackers and got sent off.

His teammates are getting tired of it.



Barcelona put forward two entries for the Football Ramble Durrty Award in their game vs. Malaga.

Well, three really, if you count Neymar’s horizontal body slam, the shin pad efficacy test he issued seconds later AND Jordi Alba kicking Juanpi in the back like he’s just a ballboy.


I could go on and tell you about Oxford United having their goalkeeper sent off for the fourth time in six games. Or the triple jeopardy rule that’s giving Bayern Munich the hump and Bundesliga officials a headache.

But instead I’ll just leave you with elegant wordsmith Carlton Cole’s guide to dealing with social media trolls, which also functions as the most efficient summation of the current football climate I’ve seen lately.


Thank you, Carlton. That hit the target.


By Kelly Welles

Chelsea FC: Distance learning

23 February 2015

Football fans don’t generally need any encouragement to mock their rivals, but a group of West Ham fans seized the opportunity to get one over on Chelsea this weekend by issuing this video tutorial of train etiquette.

It provided some much needed levity after a weekend pondering a BBC Radio 5Live interview with a Chelsea fanzine editor on Friday evening. David Johnstone of CFC UK told Anna Foster & Simon Cox of the station’s Drive show that the incident on the Paris Metro was “in no way the club’s responsibility, and they cannot be held accountable for actions of four or five individuals.”

He went on to say that the account of the victim, Souleymane S, was “full of inconsistencies” and a defence lawyer would “rip his story to shreds”.

“My heart goes out to him,” Johnstone continued, “but if he’s experienced racism all his life [as Souleyman S has claimed], why is he so devastated about something that’s been caught on film? It’s a terrible thing to have happened, in the back of my mind I feel like he might be trying to make the most of it.”

Naturally, everyone is going to have their own opinion on this matter, and that includes Johnstone, but his words were, at best, unhelpful to his club, their fans and the current situation.

The Guardian’s Barney Ronay, interviewed immediately afterwards, made his opinion clear from the outset.

“I’d like to distance myself completely from what David Johnstone just said.” he told Anna Foster.

Unfortunately, I can only presume that by that point, the vast majority of Chelsea fans were too mortified to hear him.


By Kelly Welles

Vintage Kits: Unleash your inner geek!

20 February 2015


We’ve long since given up lamenting the fact that we’re utterly sad acts when it comes to football memorabilia.

So without any apologies whatsoever, I’ll tell you that we’ve spent a highly productive morning dribbling over this gorgeous gallery of retro shirts from world football, designed by Emilio Sansolini for our friends at

What have we learned? Well, we like polyester mix a lot more than is healthy and picking a favourite is a bitch.

Still, after getting all 50 Shades on the boys (and not in a good way) I was able to narrow their choices down. Well, apart from Marcus, who picked a top three.

Then awarded himself the points.


Luke ‘Algorithm Hunter’ Moore: Celtic


Pete ‘Diggory’ Donaldson: Valencia


Marcus ‘ MC Skibadee’ Speller: Marseille


AND Fiorentina


AND Paris St Germain


James (or Jim) Campbell: Monaco


(The Elusive) Lord Ramble: Sampdoria


Kelly ‘Kellstrom Kellinha Kelloggs’ Welles: Velez Sarsfield


Honorable Mench: Newell’s Old Boys (for obvious reasons)



By Kelly Welles


Images courtesy of

How do you solve a problem like Mario?

20 February 2015

Javier Zanetti.

Done. Move on.


Via @copa90.

The Football Ramble Live in London in May!

19 February 2015


After the success of their sold out shows in January and the sojourn across to Oslo in February, The Football Ramble are delighted to announce they’ll be performing the show live again at the Bloomsbury Theatre, London on Friday 22nd May.

Expect all your favourite football chat, as well as a multimedia extravaganza and one or two surprises thrown in for good measure!

Tickets, priced at £15, go on sale at 11:00 on Friday 20th February from this link and are sure to sell fast so make sure you’re in and around a computer to avoid disappointment…

Doors on the night open at 19:00 and Marcus, Jim, Pete and Luke look forward to seeing you all there!

For press/media enquiries around the show please email .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Champions League: Ooh, very bold

19 February 2015

Schalke 0-2 Real Madrid


Cristiano Ronaldo might have 58 goals in 58 Champions League games after scoring in last night’s 2-0 victory over Roberto Di Matteo’s Schalke, but as illustrated by this lovely graphic, it was Marcelo who dominated play.

The Portuguese rose like a roaring salmon (mainly because he was dressed like one)  in the penalty area to nod in on 26 minutes, but the Brazilian left back not only marauded up the wing at every opportunity, he produced this gorgeous finish to set up a second leg at the Bernabeu that should be so straightforward, eleven year old Martin Ødegaard is expected to start.


Assuming his parents give him permission to be out that late, obviously.


FC Basel 1-1 FC Porto

The venue was Switzerland but the game was anything but neutral, as our very own Mark Clattenburg issued nine yellow cards during the course of this chippy encounter.

The carefully coiffed Clatts then assured himself of a warm welcome from Porto fans next time he’s in the area, by disallowing a goal that would have given them a crucial edge over the tie, then awarded a late penalty which did that anyway.


The Referees’ Association might have a point, you know. Even when they get all the decisions right, and put in a thoroughly professional performance in the competitive phase of an elite European game, we still find space to mock them for their sartorial choices.


I guess thatswhatfootballdotoya! 


By Kelly Welles

Anderson: The air is thick with irony

18 February 2015

The heady heights of the Manchester United treatment table have left Anderson giddily unprepared for life at 3500 feet.

The hapless midfielder, who signed for Brazil’s Internacional in the January transfer window, was a starter in the club’s Copa Libertadores away tie vs. Bolivian side The Strongest (snork) but had to be subbed after thirty-six minutes and was pictured moments later in the dugout with an oxygen mask over his face.

The oxygen tank did not subsequently explode, taking his eyebrows off. But if it had, we wouldn’t have been remotely surprised.


By Kelly Welles

Champions League: Train of thought

18 February 2015

Modern football is all about creating a spectacle and collecting the profits, right? 

The Chelsea Brain Trust, yesterday.

So instead of punishing the small group of (alleged) Chelsea fans aboard the Paris Metro last night by issuing lifetime bans, let’s have them on the pitch at Stamford Bridge next week, shouting “We’re racist, we’re racist and that’s the way we like it!” into the faces of a Chelsea representative eleven selected by Didier Drogba.


Big JT could stand on the periphery in his kit, Jose could run up and down the touchline protesting about something, The Premier League could sell the rights to Sky for twenty-eight billion pounds and rational people everywhere could exercise their inner idiot.

Everyone happy? Good. Now let’s talk about football.


Paris St Germain 1-1 Chelsea FC

At times last night it was hard to see exactly why Paris St Germain are so easy to ruffle in Ligue Un.

Any team boasting the power of Ezequiel Lavezzi (a name that, when approached at speed, can prompt even the most experienced commentator to stumble, Clive), the precision of Edinson Cavani, the skill of Blaise Matuidi and the patented Zlatan Panic Radius™  (more on that later) should already have their names engraved on the trophy and be playing the youth team in the league to rest players for a Champions League push.


Maybe they don’t like the trophy. It is pretty hideous.

Laurent Blanc’s side were imperious at times last night, and it’s a credit to Chelsea and (grudgingly) to Mourinho that they were not only able to repel wave after wave of PSG attack, but keep their wits about them while on the ball to create Branislav Ivanovic’s beautifully worked header, via Gary Cahill’s Zlatan-esque touch.

Zlatan. A warrior in search of a war.

Speaking of the Swede, his performance last night was effectively a crash course in How To Zlatan. He stands about a lot, we know this. It’s the basis for most of the criticism levelled against him. But his influence over opposition defenders while not actually doing anything was tangible last night, with several minutes of the first half given over to the Chelsea back four passing the ball between themselves while he loomed over them, daring them to try and pass it out.

The Zlatan Panic Radius™  is now a thing. And thankfully, far more memorable that a bunch of fat bald blokes in anoraks asserting their limited understanding of power.


Shakhtar Donetsk 0-0 Bayern Munich

I didn’t watch it. But I’ve heard Xabi Alonso was sent off, so I’m going to believe Bayern, who reckon the referee was a “catastrophe”


By Kelly Welles

Energy drink heist: Suspect sighted

17 February 2015

Police advise caution. The suspect, Thomas Muller, 25, of Oberbayern, Germany, is said to be unarmed and incredibly excited.


By Kelly Welles

Copa90: The view from the Curva Sud

17 February 2015

The Premier League has just negotiated one of the most staggering television deals in history, and yet complaints about flat atmospheres in stadiums, designated singing sections, corporate hospitality and the silence of an ageing, wealthier fanbase, are more prevalent than ever.

This film by Copa90 is a fascinating and timely reminder of what football once represented to us, and still does to some.


‘For the Rest of Your Life – Tattooing the Juventus Ultras’ is a short film exploring the lives and culture of a small group of football’s most notorious fans.

They describe how, for them, football is escapism from an economic climate that offers few opportunities to the poor, and instead they pour their raw energy into supporting their club.


“I wasn’t even that interested in the results of the match,” one man says, wistfully remembering the days he attended games as a boy with his father. “Other things mattered to me; I liked the drums, the smoke, the torches, the megaphones, the scarves.”

“Football is the best sport in the world.”


Set against beautifully shot film of the Curva Sud, Juventus Stadium and Turin itself, it’s easy to see the attraction. Young men with no prospects, no hope, no family, give themselves instead to a cause that embraces them, makes demands but rewards them with riches money can’t buy.

Unsurprisingly, they devote their lives to it.


A romanticised portrait of an organisation whose history is steeped in violence and intimidation? Maybe. But every family boasts its share of idiots. That shouldn’t distract from the wider point; that there is nothing finer than standing in amongst a group of like minded people, singing your heart out and living or dying by what your team do on the pitch.

And neither should a TV deal.


By Kelly Welles


Images by @robinbharaj via

Ramble Masterclass: Bicycle kicks with Luis Suarez & André-Pierre Gignac

16 February 2015

Do this.

Don’t do this.


Well, that was surprisingly straightforward, wasn’t it?


By Kelly Welles

Weekend Highlights: Bundesliga Fashion Week

16 February 2015


From runners- up last season to relegation battlers this, Borussia Dortmund’s calamitous Bundesliga collapse has been one of the stories of the season so far.

But is a surge on the cards?

Some might say so. Barely ten days after a 1-0 defeat to Augsburg secured them the drop spot, Dortmund are roaring their way back up the table. A 4-2 result vs. Mainz on Friday night propelled them out of the relegation places and within thirty points of leaders Bayern Munich.


We spoke to our Scottish Championship correspondent Marcus Speller, who confirmed that with thirty-nine points still up for grabs, Dortmund are still very much in the running for the title and could potentially snatch the league and Champions League from under the cultured noses of their rivals.


It’s clear to see that Bayern Munich are feeling the pressure of a late surge (and Marcus’s prediction). This weekend they took steps to ensure their goal difference remained plump and juicy.

He’s wearing braces and scored a brace. Geddit?

The unfortunate victims were Hamburg, who you’d imagine would have been expecting something like this after conceding nine to Bayern back in March 2013, but they were helpless in the face of Bayern’s belt and braces approach.


Despite Arjen Robben, Mario Gotze and Thomas Muller exercising their fashion sense at the Allianz, none could emulate the performance of Wolfsburg’s Bas Dost, who scored four (a HAUL) at Bayer Leverkusen.

Eager listeners who attended the Ramble Live in Manchester (download the highlights here, clumsy link fans) will have been expecting this.


Our influence on the game has been a truth universally acknowledged for some time and the boys are just delighted to have propelled Mr Dost into the spotlight simply by mentioning how brilliant his name is while sitting near an ill-conceived effigy of Pele.


Less sartorially elegant were the Koln fans who invaded Borussia Monchengladbach’s pitch after Granit Xhaka’s last minute headed winner.

They were dressed as budget extras from Breaking Bad.

However, their odd choice of garmentage was no surprise for those of us who remember the last time they made a splash across the football press.

Their work with “disgusting missiles” practically demands the use of HazMat suits.


By Kelly Welles

The Football Ramble Live in Oslo - Available to download now!

14 February 2015

Norwegian Statue
This is a statue that actually exists in Oslo. Pete discovered it.

Not content with touring our live show around several cities in the UK, we decided to head to Scandinavia to take our own unique brand of football-based entertainment to the unsuspecting people of Oslo, Norway.

And, if you couldn’t make it there in person (although several of you did, which we thank you for), we’ve got some great news for you - you can download the entire show from iTunes and Sendowl!

Marvel as all four of the boys shamelessly suck up to the people of Norway with a Norwegian-themed opening question! Have your heartstrings pulled when a Rambler by the name of Stephan presents Pete with a jar of pickled herring during the show! Listen in wonder at the sheer surprise when the Ramblers discover that Zlatan is actually popular in Norway, despite being Swedish!

It’s all there, ready to be downloaded and enjoyed for the small sum of £1.99 through iTunes and £1.79 through Sendowl/Paypal. Go get it!

Click here for the iTunes link

Click here for Sendowl/Paypal link

Diego Corner: Do you even lift?

13 February 2015


You can never prepare yourself for what you might see when you peer through the cobwebby windows of Diego Corner.

Footage of the great man lamping a journalist? A barfight in progress?

Little Diego?


This morning’s visit was comparatively peaceful. Just this picture of El Diego, 54 (FIFTY-FOUR), and girlfriend Rocio Oliva, 24 (TWENTY-FOUR), having a jape in their lovely home, pinned to the door that hangs limply off broken hinges.

He’s looking well, isn’t he?

Startlingly well, compared to this photo.

Taken ten days ago.

We’re not judging. Just observing.

Apart from anything else, it’ll only come back to bite us in the arse when we start spending thousands on disconcerting facelifts.


By Kelly Welles


H/T @Jack5on5000.

Internet acronyms with Amy Lawrence

12 February 2015


The marvellous Amy Lawrence was researching a piece for the Guardian about the recent Premier League TV deal and apparently found this nestling in her collection of used tickets. It’s from 1990, and therefore pre-Prem.

Seven quid for QPR vs. Arsenal? In Block WTF?



By Kelly Welles


Image via twitter.

South Korea U22: Oh come on, ref! I’ve been kicked in the face!

12 February 2015

The Uzbeks are losing interest in football. Their football association has sought to rectify the situation by introducing elements of mixed martial arts to their national game**.

If this recent performance by the U22 team vs. South Korea is any evidence, it seems to be going pretty well, wouldn’t you say?


By Kelly Welles


**This is a lie

Xabi Alonso: Wanted. Dead or Alive

11 February 2015


♫ ♫“He walks these streets, a loaded six string on his back.

He plays for keeps, ‘cause he might not make it back.

He’s been everywhere, and he’s standing tall,

He’s seen a million faces and he’s rocked them all.”♫ ♫

Anyway, enough about Marcus Speller… here’s Xabi Alonso in a handlebar moustache!


By Kelly Welles


Image via Twitter, Lyrics: BonJovi ‘Wanted Dead Or ALive, Writer(s): Jon Bon Jovi, Richard Sambora.

The Premier League: Dystopia Rising

11 February 2015

Let’s be honest, Liverpool’s thrilling 3-2 victory over Spurs at Anfield couldn’t have come at a more convenient time.

Earlier in the day, Richard Scudamore came perilously close to rubbing his hands with glee as he announced the Premier League had sold the TV rights to their matches for £5.1 billion.

The fact that the first view of the product after the news was delivered was a cracking encounter between two sides bursting with young English talent intent upon clawing their way into the league’s VIP section could have been scripted? Well, it didn’t hurt, did it?

It even reminded Mario Balotelli what he was there for. Although you wouldn’t know it to look at him.

Mario is a product of this Brave New World. He’s not just a footballer; in recent months you could argue that kicking a ball in anger is the least interesting thing about him, but his cars, his clothes and his attitude are symptomatic of a world awash with money, in which talent, although necessary, isn’t sufficient to ensure elevation to the elite.

It must be accompanied by a personality that offers a reliable supply of fodder for the other arm of Rupert Murdoch’s commercial ventures. Mario is a tabloid story waiting to happen, and they love him for it.


But this isn’t Roy of the Rovers. Beneath the chrome vinyl wrap, behind the funky chicken hat, are real people. Fans who travel every week to crap grounds to watch awful teams on shit pitches.

Ordinary men and women who spend their working life looking forward to the early start on Saturday morning which will see them clambering into an elderly saloon with five other people to drive two hundred miles to watch a football hit the ground a total of seventeen times in ninety minutes.


The opposite end of the football spectrum, if you will.

Opinions (and let’s be honest, there’s no shortage of them as BBC 5Live has been discussing this almost exclusively since the announcement) are a cacophony not dissimilar to a poorly trained horn section; honks of outrage, glee, idiocy and the occasional insight, but one clear note is audible above the rest. The call for ticket prices to be reduced for the ‘ordinary’ fan.

It’s only right, we nod. It’s about time the game gave something back to ‘proper fans’. But by focussing on this point, are we just unconscious actors in a convenient sub-plot while the larger, more sinister narrative unfolds around us?

Last year’s Deloitte Football Money League, the annual report that ranks football clubs by revenue income, found that “the amount generated from matchday revenue streams, including ticket and corporate hospitality sales, has fallen to its lowest ever percentage of total revenue.

Conversely, “the percentage of revenue that the top 20 clubs generate through more indirect means such as broadcast rights and commercial activities has reached an all-time high.”


It’s not necessary to drill down into the figures to understand the overall trend. The money you pay on the turnstile, for food, programmes, merchandise etc, is gradually becoming less and less important to your football club.

You are less and less important to your football club. And that was last year. What will that trend look like by 2016, when the latest deal kicks in?

This isn’t news. Fans forums and phone-ins are awash with people concerned that their opinions aren’t being heard, that their club isn’t being run in their best interests, but until recently, we at least had a weapon, even if it was unwieldy. A club’s income, once totally dependant on matchday revenue, is now broadly made up of TV rights and commercial deals.

According to one report, Paris St Germain would still be in the top ten if no-one bothered to turn up.

The “we pay your wages” argument will, if this continues, become an irrelevance. The Premier League clubs will surely continue to pay lip service to the people who make the noise for the time being, but commercially they would be foolish to conduct their business according to the whims of the paying public.

If Sky or BT Sport want the game to be moved to three am on a Wednesday morning, they’ll probably get it, and bugger you.

This would be bad enough if the TV money was sustainable. We can all watch games on TV and with the admittedly great coverage and analysis provided by Sky it’s a thoroughly enjoyable experience; it’s their job to distract us with shiny graphics and oversized iPads.

But as any economist (or person who bought property in the UK before 2008) will tell you no growth is permanently sustainable.

When this bubble bursts - and it will - what will be left? A generation of fans who don’t know what it’s like to go to an actual game? Who can’t afford to, or whose interpretation of football is fuelled by replays and opinions rather than mud and the perceptions of incidents that sweep around the stands and instantly influence the mood and behaviour of the crowd? Half empty stands?

It’ll make good copy, if nothing else.


By Kelly Welles

Manchester United: Just the stats, maam

10 February 2015

She’s spent the last three days photocopying these down the library.

You can hardly blame her.


By Kelly Welles


Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Wax to the left of me…

10 February 2015


♫♫... ego to the right, here I am Stuck In The Middle With Zlatan ♫♫


By Kelly Welles

Sebastian Giovinco: That awkward moment when…

9 February 2015 realise that massive cuddly dinosaur is not rolling on by, but stopping and forcing you to stand up and be applauded by people who came to see a basketball game and quite clearly have no idea who you are.

Nevermind. At least they didn’t make the former Juve striker pose with a group of Toronto Raptors players, thus emphasising his diminutive stature.


Oh, ffs.


By Kelly Welles

Weekend Highlights: ‘Arry Up!

9 February 2015


You’d think as a nation we’d be excited to have a homegrown lad knocking them in for fun at big games, wouldn’t you? But no.

Far from revelling in the notion that we have another prospect to ruin in the national team, Harry Kane’s snatching of the North London bragging rights from under the duvet coat of Arsene Wenger propelled most people into the drawer where they keep the old photos.


Inevitably someone found another picture of Kane wearing an Arsenal shirt, so like, he’s totally not one of yours, Spurs fans. Alright?



Aside from the last twenty minutes or so of that game, the Most Envied League In The World™ failed to deliver on derby weekend.

Nevertheless, I bravely sat through at least the first half of Everton vs. Liverpool before being tempted to stick the old Xbox on and listen to the game on TalkSport while piloting a helicopter through a combat situation on Call of Duty: Ghosts.

Within seconds, Stan Collymore was describing to the nation how he’d “shot his bolt on social media” with an earlier on-air prediction. He might have got away with it too, if commentator Sam Matterface hadn’t spattered the airwaves with his failure to contain snorts of derision.


I don’t listen to TalkSport often enough to know whether this is a regular occurrence, but if you’re wondering how painful it was, I was looking forward to changing the channel to listen to Robbie Savage on BBC606.

Panic ye not though, Ramblers, for I was duly punished for my optimism moments later when Piers Morgan called in.

I could spend the next three hundred words failing to find adequate prose to describe the noise of Morgan and Savage going at it, but @FC Hoya_ saved me the trouble and you the boredom by sending me this.

This is what it sounds like, when doves die.



The annoying thing is, while all this was going on, I could have been watching Real Madrid get their arses handed to them on a plate by Atletico.


The smiling faces of Jurgen Klopp and his boys after picking up their first win in six games.

Thiago Silva giving his jacket to a cold mascot before PSG’s draw with Lyon.


Even this catastrophic swing and miss from Micky van der Hart vs. Ajax.



In world news, we tweeted an image of a shirtless Herve Renard after Ivory Coast beat Ghana on penalties to win the Africa Cup of Nations 2015.

Not me, a woman. Them. The men.

I was more concerned with this.


If Marcus finds out that even Sepp has fallen in love with the handsome Frenchman too, there will be blood.



If this isn’t enough to sate your lust for hilarious football chat and baffling twattery, the Football Ramble shows in Manchester, Edinburgh and London have been distilled into a tasty, tart compilation for your listening ecstasy.

You can buy it now on iTunes or SendOwl.

We’re hoping to raise enough to pay the fines accrued in the aforementioned cities.


By Kelly Welles

The Football Ramble Live - Download and listen to the best of our live shows on iTunes!

9 February 2015

Ramble Live Bloomsbury

We’re back from our mini-tour of the UK, delivering football-based nonsense to Ramble listeners in Manchester, Edinburgh and London!

But if you couldn’t make one of our live shows, don’t fear, because we’ve edited together all the best bits into one 90 minute show for your listening pleasure. So, instead of venturing out into the cold and having to sit there and actually look at our faces, you can get all the funniest stuff in the comfort of your own headphones.

From Pete’s barely acceptable jokes about a variety of subjects to the pressing issue of the largest animal that can be single-handedly cling-filmed to a lamppost, it’s all here.

It’s available for £1.79 (£1.99 on iTunes due to exchange rates with the US), and once you buy it, it’s yours forever. How’s that for value eh?

Click here for the iTunes link

To buy the show through PayPal, click here

AFCON 2015: So near & yet so far

6 February 2015

A game of football briefly broke out at the Nuevo Estadio de Malabo last night, Ghana snatching the brief window of opportunity in between fighting, shouting, throwing and pelting to score three goals and propel themselves to a final vs. Herve Renard’s Ivory Coast.

What else is there to say? A great final in the offing, a thrilling tournament that is all the more incredible when you consider that six months ago, everyone thought Morocco would be hosting it.

And yet once the smoke has cleared, the chances are that our enduring memory of Africa Cup of Nations 2015 will be the image of that helicopter trying to disperse a crowd using the power of wind and crisp packets alone.


We’ve said it all before. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a stand in Italy, Poland, England, Argentina or Equatiorial Guinea; if you’re chucking stuff at the referee, opposition players and trying to injure their fans you’re not a supporter, you’re an idiot.

Using football to give your aggression a run out is one thing. Retaining self control and respecting the opposition is another and quite frankly, the least we should be able to expect in 2015.

The eyes of the world were on you, Equatorial Guinea fans.


You’ve shown yourselves up there.


By Kelly Welles

Borussia Dortmund: What a difference a year makes…

5 February 2015

Shit’s getting a bit real over in Dortmund.

It’s good to see senior players taking responsibility for their lack of success on the pitch, but similarly Roman Weidenfeller and Mats Hummels’ gesture (not to mention the faces of their coach and teammates) could be perceived as an acknowledgement that they have no clue how to rectify the problems that saw them lose 1-0 to 10-man Augsburg last night.

This is the club that less than two years ago pushed Bayern Munich pretty close in the Champions League final. A lot has been made of the departures of Mario Gotze and Robert Lewandowski to Bayern, and while the loss of players of such calibre will always hurt a team, a glance at the teamsheets reveals that eight of the players involved in that 2013 final were also ‘in and around’ in last night’s line-up.

As it stands, they remain rooted to the bottom of the Bundesliga, and with a run of games against struggling opposition forthcoming, they’ll be playing for their top flight lives.

If they balls them up, it’s going to take a damn sight more than a bit of gentle cajoling to appease the Westfalenstadion massive.


By Kelly Welles

Francesco Totti & the Fanboy Ramble of Lovely

4 February 2015

What? You wouldn’t react like that if you met Francesco Totti?

Get out. Yer heathen.


By Kelly Welles

Umbro Velocita: The pitch, the pitch, the pitch is on fire

4 February 2015

Umbro are so thoughtless.

Don’t they know there’s a playing field crisis in this country?


How is inventing a pair of boots that emit pink smoke, set off land mines and leave crevasses in their wake, remotely helpful to the future of the game?


Obviously we’ll try them, because a) they will make us look sexy and b) who hasn’t wanted to set fire to that dog mess ridden, inadequately mowed, grass deficient rectangle that the council laughable call a ‘playing surface’, but still.

It’s really irresponsible, right?


By Kelly Welles

QPR Managerial Vacancy Announced: Apply within

3 February 2015



By Kelly Welles

Jonathan Pearce: Kaboom!

3 February 2015

Given his difficulty with matters in and around the goalmouth, this defensive strategy by Nice B vs. Grenoble recently may well make Jonathan Pearce’s head explode if it’s replicated in one of his commentary games.


Football? It’s over to you.


By Kelly Welles

Mauro Icardi: The new Dennis Wise?

2 February 2015

Sir Alex Ferguson once described Dennis Wise as a man who “could start a fight in an empty house.”


Of course, Wise resigned from the mad bastard Hall of Fame live on Setanta last week, so there’s a vacancy.

Might we humbly nominate wife snaring, team-mate enraging, Inter fan baiting Mauro Icardi for the spot?

Assuming he survives this latest spat (and doesn’t turn up to Wednesday’s Coppa Italia game vs. Napoli in an astonishing hairdo), of course.


By Kelly Welles

Weekend Highlights: Don’t mention it

2 February 2015


Just don’t, ok?



The Bundesliga emerged from hibernation on Friday, with Bayern Munich apparently still removing their moss plugs.

Pep Guardiola’s football machine was brought to a jarring halt by Wolfsburg, who put four past Manuel Neuer and doubled Bayern’s goals against record for the season.

Given the above, it’s likely just a blip; an explanation that Jurgen Klopp is increasingly unable to fall back on. Dortmund drew 0-0 at Bayer Leverkusen, but Freiburg’s 4-1 win over Eintracht Frankfurt was enough to dump them back to the bottom of the table.

Don’t be downhearted though. Kloppo isn’t.

“We’re going to put pressure on everybody ahead of us.” he cheerfully told the post match presser.

You’ve got to admire his boundless optimism, haven’t you?


No? Alright. Fine. Here’s that picture of him with a giant bee again.



Word reaches Ramble HQ that Robbie Savage is feeling a bit threatened this morning.

It’s a generally accepted fact (even by Sav himself) that he is the most ridiculous man in football, and yet there appears to be some sort of charge going on for that particular crown.


Barely a week after Dennis Wise unleashed his hair on an unsuspecting nation, Steve McManaman tipped up to the KC dressed like an entirely unnecessary hybrid of Inspectors’ Gadget and Clouseau and then this fella tipped up at Stamford Bridge with his cagoule and sellotape, sending football into spasms.


Honestly, it’s been said on the show but we’ll say it again. If you’re going to make a point (which, by the way, we think you’re perfectly entitled to do) put some bloody effort into it, will you? Otherwise it’s open season on the Ramble Facebook page and we find it really hard to disagree with people like Ross Hunter when they say:

“This bloke’s 5 year old child is currently making one of her own saying ‘don’t come home dad, you fat embarrassment’.”

Just think of the children, will you?


Enough of all that buffoonery. This is supposed to be a Weekend Highlights post. Let’s break from tradition and have some highlights. What would you like?


A late charge for the New Year’s Honours List from Sammy Ameobi (OBE)?


Nolito’s shout & swerve for Celta Vigo?


A bit of admirable (if largely unsuccessful) manspreading from Stefan Kießling?


Or Botafogo’s Jefferson showing Asmir Begovic how it’s done vs. Boavista’s Anselmo.

Not Phil Anselmo. No one would try to nutmeg Phil Anselmo.


Even hardcore metal fans think he’s a bit mad.


By Kelly Welles

#ramblelivemanchester: Behind the curtain

30 January 2015


It was at least fifteen seconds before someone mentioned Marcus’s infamous “sex tour” of Thailand. Our beleaguered anchor, who will take at least his and Pete’s share of the Ramble ribbing before the evening ends, offers a critique of our fact checking (he actually went on a cultural tour of Vietnam with friends) before shaking his head in disappointment and walking away.

Needless to say, it’s all rubbish, but that’s hardly the point, is it?


The third of the live shows saw the Ramblers, me, the unnecessarily talented Ben Bailey Smith (AKA Doc Brown) and Lord Ramble himself, pack our bags and head north to The National Football Museum in Manchester. The venue, a glass and stone homage to football and its importance in our cultural history, is a fan’s paradise; signed shirts mingle with imagery of England teams past and present, while information panels throw light and shade on spine tingling stills of our heroes in action.

As with the vast majority of live events I’ve attended, the first three hours after arrival at the venue consisted of the following: finding the toilets, locating the Green Room, losing the Green Room key, hunting for food and listening to burly men shout at each other over various lengths of cabling.

Fortunately, live show logistics are not handled by the Ramble themselves but by experts in the field; much fabled man herder Lord Ramble and production guru Ben Bailey Smith. While Pete swore into his laptop (more on that later) and Jim, Marcus, Luke and I speculated as to whether the Pele figure in the corner was meant to resemble the great man at the age of seventy despite full kit and baseball cap, they effortlessly steered the transformation of a big glass space into the ‘National That’s What Football Do To Ya Museum’ for one night only. It was humbling.


Preparing Ramblers for a live show is a path riven with hidden potholes. They need to do their interviews, eat something, get their mics checked and argue over which of the two running orders Marcus prepared is the correct one, all before the floor is cleared for showtime.

If each of these tasks isn’t completed in an orderly fashion, anarchy swiftly follows, as Marcus will tell you. He left his recently acquired and much coveted tuna melt on the Green Room table for barely five minutes after he was called to mic check. It was a narrow window of opportunity, but sufficient for Lord Ramble to enquire as to the provenance of the rapidly cooling snack, take three large bites and leave the room.

Needless to say, reader, I got the blame.


Within seconds of the doors opening, the National That’s What Football Do To Ya Museum was filled to capacity with some of the most sharply dressed, intellectually superior football fans this country has ever produced. They came to Ramble and were raring to go by the time the lights went down at 8pm.

Hold on. There’s an implication there that the lights went back up again. Just to clarify, due to the proximity of audience members to the stage, it was felt that the boys’ movie star looks might prompt heartbroken Ramblers to hurl themselves platform-wards. The backlighting was a move designed to minimise the view of those beautiful faces and the ignition of any subsequent lust.

We needn’t have worried. The only chance of a crush at the front of the stage was in the rush to the toilets. Were you lot mainlining coffee outside the venue or something?

I won’t ruin the show for those of you planning to attend a future Ramble Live experience. But I’m also going to assume that by the time that happens, Marcus’s Scottish Football section will be treated with more respect than it was here; upon its announcement Pete buggered off the the bar, returning only when enticed with Africa Cup of Nations coverage, Jim browsed a copy of Four Four Two and Luke made a phone call.

Questions for the Ramble was born under a hashtag and if we learned nothing else on this night, it’s that you guys are at least as funny as we are, and twice as mental.. Luke’s haircare routine came under scrutiny and a roundup of what football may or may not do to ya in 2015 was undertaken but credit for inspiring the most hilarity goes to Sam, who submitted the following query:


A beaver, Marcus? Seriously?

A computer oversight by Lord Ramble leading to a horrifying glimpse into the contents of ‘Pete Donaldson’s MacBook Air’,some rather crude and unsubstantiated allegations scrawled onto a paying customer’s t-shirt and Pete’s critique of WagonWheels brought the evening to a rip roaring conclusion.

Thanks to everyone who came up to chat (it was emosh) and if you didn’t manage to get tickets this time, keep an eye out for news about upcoming forays into distant lands. As someone who’s been a long time fan of the show, I can assure you that the live experience is as good as you might imagine and more.

Literally brilliant, Ruud.



By Kelly Welles

Bayern Munich: Bane of the Bundesliga

30 January 2015

You don’t have to be a German football fan to appreciate how annoying the dominance of one club can be.

And if this video made by satirical TV show Extra 3 is any evidence, you don’t have to speak German to enjoy that club getting the piss ripped out of them either.



By Kelly Welles

Jürgen Klinsmann: Show the world you’re better than Götze

29 January 2015

You know, just in case the German public get a bit carried away with this World Cup business and forget their history.


By Kelly Welles



Arda Turan: Who throws a shoe?!

29 January 2015

Oh, how fickle we are, Ramblers.

We’ve spent the last three years bemoaning Fernando Torres’ lack of form in front of goal, then the poor bugger moves back to former club Atletico Madrid, scores three goals in five appearances (including one in the first minute in a Copa del Rey quarter-final vs. Barcelona) and all we want to talk about is a man hurling his footwear in the general direction of a linesman.


Sorry, Fernando. But still, it is epic, isn’t it?


By Kelly Welles

St Pauli: Hold on, have you got a (sausage) train to catch?

28 January 2015

If you’ve been hanging around these dank environs for long enough*, you will be familiar with the work of St Pauli.

Well, the off-pitch work, anyhow. The second tier German side’s football related activities pale into insignificance when considered alongside their ‘unconventional’ approach to politics, inclusivity and catering.

Or at least, that used to be the case. But if this footage from St Pauli’s recent friendly vs. FC Winterthur is any evidence, they’re in a hurry to bring top flight football back to the Millerntor-Stadion.

Usually teams wait until it’s their kick off before attempting to score from in and around the centre circle, Julian Koch.


But you know, if it expedites a return to scenes like this on a Saturday afternoon, we’re all for it.

All aboard the sausage train!


By Kelly Welles


*If you haven’t, listen to their DWHoF entry here. We won’t tell if you won’t.

Chelsea vs. Liverpool: Mourinho’s New Clothes

28 January 2015


Some months ago I wrote a piece observing that in certain games, referees appear to be intimidated into making or not making the correct decisions, either by players or managers.


It was prompted by Joe Hart’s controversial head nuzzle of Michael Oliver during the Manchester derby, and Oliver’s subsequent decision not to address it, either in the game or his report. My point (and surprisingly, I did have one) was that we shouldn’t blame officials for making mistakes under such pressure, we should encourage the authorities that supposedly represent the wider interests of football fans to punish the aggressors.

On the balance of play, last night’s Capital One Cup result was probably the correct one. Chelsea edged it - in possession, in shots on target and of course, in goals. But imagine if the crucial header had been scored at the other end by Martin Skrtl or Emre Can.

Jose Mourinho, who was so apoplectic with rage that Michael Oliver had failed to award a penalty to his side on the half hour mark that he missed Ivanovic’s header, would have issued one of his theatrical, thinly veiled critiques in the post match interview and probably been fined.


He’d have denied it, just like he denied that Costa’s stamps were intentional when everyone with access to a television set, the internet and/or eyes saw that they were, paid the fine and continued along his merry path of wilful chicanery without a care in the world.


On one hand, let’s not delude ourselves. Football is one giant overinflated ego these days, and we all live quite comfortably on its big fat back. Mourinho’s escapades are a huge part of the modern game’s colour and I’ve been known to defend his tarting about on the basis that it occasionally saves me from having to actually look for something meaningful to write about.

But even I’m finding it a bit wearing now. Even worrisome. We wouldn’t have a game without match officials and continually seeking to undermine them through obfuscation and theatre, employing sleight of hand and verbal dexterity to distract from players’ misdemeanors and occasionally spiteful tactics to edge even the slightest advantage, serves no one but the team the offender is representing.


Mourinho is far from the only one, but he’s the one they all look to now that Fergie’s retired, as Brendan’s enthusiastic greeting last night helpfully confirmed.

Remember, this isn’t a club thing. We, as fans, shouldn’t tolerate it when our club’s representatives do it simply because we benefit from it in the short term. We need to take the long view and support match officials, even if it feels unnatural and frankly weird at first.

If we don’t, and the authorities remain either unable or unwilling to impose meaningful sanctions, the future of our game rests on the hope that people like Mourinho will start self-regulating and do something truly controversial, like behave themselves.

Don’t hold your breath.


By Kelly Welles

Stoke City: You give a little love & it all comes back to you

27 January 2015

When he began his senior career at Barcelona, it’s reasonable to assume that Bojan Krkic never imagined himself leading the line for Stoke City in an FA Cup fourth round tie at Spotland.

Last night, as he celebrated this ludicrous strike that put Stoke City one up and his name became a refrain that echoed around the stands, he looked as though there was nowhere he’d rather be.

The weather, it seems, is irrelevant if you feel loved enough.


By Kelly Welles

Weekend Highlights PT2: It’s LITERALLY unwise, Ruud

26 January 2015


BT Sport have hijacked the trailer that Sky keep all their yellow costumes in between Deadline Days.

This is the result.



Dennis Wise appeared on Setanta Sport with this on his head.

The internet responded thusly.



And finally, someone purporting to be the Ghanaian Pot Man turned up at the Africa Cup of Nations again.

two pots

We love his enthusiasm. But there does come a point where you’re just an arson attack waiting to happen.


By Kelly Welles


H/T #FriendOfTheRamble @Terry_Nutkin for the Pot Man update.

Weekend Highlights: Seeing red

26 January 2015


It’s back.

TheMagicoftheFACup™, last seen slinking away from Wembley Stadium (probably after a semi-final which shouldn’t have been there in the first place) looking pale, lethargic and thoroughly bored, returned to us with a sun tan, a new hairdo and some serious swagger this weekend.


Of course, not everyone was pleased to see it.

The Chelsea fan who called BBC 606 on Saturday night, fresh from his side’s embarrassing trouncing at the hands of Bradford City, who claimed that the FA Cup is meaningless and irrelevant to elite players.

Joe Hart, who conveniently appeared to confirm the point by getting ‘caught on camera’ in the tunnel telling teammates, “We don’t need to win this competition, man” before watching his teammates capitulate to a resolute Middlesbrough side.


Swansea City and Spurs, who also lost to less glamorous opposition, and Manchester United and Liverpool fans who will suffer the ignominy and inconvenience of replays in an already congested fixture schedule. 

But they’re either bitter or fictional. For everyone else it’s nice to see the imperious Chelsea dumped on their backsides, their hubristic manager “ashamed and embarrassed”.


The likes of Radamel Falcao (or Raymond Falcon, if you prefer) getting repeatedly dumped on their expense arses, while the Cambridge United crowd roared at Angel Di Maria’s repeated attempts to stick every ball they had over the stand and into the street.

The rest of us? We don’t give a crap about your feelings. In fact, we love seeing passion and will to win overcoming the financial disparity that dogs football occasionally.

It restores the faith.


While no one managed to outdo Gervinho’s hilarious response to the red card issued against him during last week’s ACON2015 game between Ivory Coast and Guinea, a few of our favoured sons had a go this weekend, with mixed results.

Cristiano Ronaldo got a bit handsy (and footsy) with Cordoba’s Edimar.



Noted pacifist and AC Milan defender Philippe Mexes tried to strangle a man. He was unsuccessful, so probably not *really* trying.


No one has claimed they were provoked, although Anderlecht’s Steven Defour may have a case.

He was sent off for a second yellow card after kicking a ball into the stands during Anderlecht’s visit to Standard Liege.

They were waving this at him.


You’ve done your club proud there, chaps.

Well done!


By Kelly Welles

Martin Odegaard: Danger money

22 January 2015


Real Madrid have completed the transfer of sixteen-year-old Martin Odegaard from Norway’s Strømsgodset.


We know this because a photo of him having his medical at the club’s Valdebebas training ground has emerged, despite the fact that he’s so young it’s probaby some sort of sex offence.

In the tradition of extraordinary youngsters tipping up at massive Spanish clubs, Odegaard’s dad, Hans Erik, will be offered a job at Real, while his son will train with the first team and play for the Castilla under Zinedine Zidane.


Assuming he survives Sergio Ramos’ banter, that is.

No wonder they’re paying the poor little sod 80k a week.


By Kelly Welles


Images via twitter, unamadridista.

Does Pete Donaldson STILL hate Tim Cahill?

22 January 2015

As trailed on last week’s show, you are invited to send questions to the boys for possible inclusion in the live Rambles using the hashtags #ramblelivemanchester #rambleliveedinburgh and #ramblelivelondon.

Here’s your starter for ten. Does Peetles still nurse his well publicised dislike for Australia’s greatest striker? Or is this the best goal that has ever been scored in the history of the world (this week in the Asian Cup)?

Expect swearing, either way.


By Kelly Welles

Craig Burley: A slip and an ink

21 January 2015

Do I smell a publicity stunt?

Former Chelsea midfielder and ESPN pundit Craig Burley has reportedly had a tattoo of Fernando Torres inked onto his forearm after betting that Torres wouldn’t score in Atletico Madrid’s recent game vs. Real.


The video of the procedure that allegedly resulted in the above monstrosity is all over yer internets this morning, but our bullshit radar simply hasn’t stopped twitching.

If this doesn’t turn out to be a Sharpie inked effort by a tattoo artist up for a laugh, I’ll have a full size portrait of Pete Donaldson inked onto my back.

Well, I would do, if I didn’t already have one.


By Kelly Welles

Leighton Baines: The Blame Game

20 January 2015


Last night’s Everton fixture vs. West Brom was supposed to be notable for the appearance of Sylvester Stallone on the big screen at half time, but Kevin Mirallas taking that penalty and his subsequent departure from the pitch attracted far more attention from the watching hordes.

The general consensus seems to be that Mirallas should be chastised for insisting on taking the kick over Everton’s penalty specialist, Leighton Baines.

Having sat through the first half, during which Everton dominated the passing but failed to meaningfully penetrate the 18-yard-box, I couldn’t help but feel that singling Mirallas out for criticism was a touch lazy.

Baines is a senior Everton player. He’s scored fifteen of the sixteen penalties he’s taken and, while I accept he may not be “the most confrontational” of men, does that absolve him of responsibility to his team, who are currently six points clear of bottom side Leicester City, and could have really used three points?

Anyone else think he should’ve just grabbed the ball and insisted? It can’t just be me and Robbie Savage.

Can it?


By Kelly Welles

There Will Be Haters: Are you one of them?

20 January 2015

You can understand why adidas might be attracted to this kind of campaign. Hatred and envy are extremely powerful emotions and if you can harness them… well that’s a lot of boots sold.

But conversely, we have footballer’s wealth thrown in our faces all the time. Do we need reminding that the likes of Gareth Bale can afford to do one of those heart things with his hands in a pool on an island the same shape, if he so wished?

That Luis Suarez could buy teething rings for everyone in the world? Or everything (apart from massive insects, that is) James Rodriguez touches turns to gold?

It’s a great advert. It is. But do you hate, or does it just grate?


By Kelly Welles

Nwankwo Kanu: Good feet for a fifty-five year old

19 January 2015

Kanu played for Ajax between 1993 and 1996.

According to the Football Ramble Approximate Age Calculator for Kanu (Or FRAACK) this would make him somewhere between fifty-three and ninety-seven at the time this amazing goal was scored.


We’ve erred on the side of caution. Just like the great man himself.


By Kelly Welles



Weekend Highlights: Cescy & they know it…

19 January 2015

Of all the times for Arsenal to find their dancing shoes.

Manchester City’s uncharacteristic 2-0 home defeat against the notoriously bad travellers coupled with Chelsea’s alarmingly incisive display at Swansea puts Manuel Pellegrini’s side five points off the league leaders.

The City manager has already conceded that three points at Stamford Bridge on January 31st are essential for his side to retain any hope of retaining the Premier League trophy, and this must be an even more daunting prospect after watching Mourinho’s side ease to a 5-0 victory at the Liberty Stadium; Cesc Fabregas’ sweet, sweet assist one of several stand out moments.

Manchester United remain fourth after an uninspiring 2-0 win over QPR (yes, he’s still there) while a Bojan goal was enough to secure Leicester City’s position at the foot of the table.

With just ten points between them and Newcastle United in eleventh, it looks like the relegation scrap is going to be a long and bloody one this year.

Might go some way to making up for what looks like Chelsea’s little horse winning the title race at a canter.



Only at a club like Real Madrid could a player like Karim Benzema feel underrated.

Eight goals in sixteen La Liga games fulfils the Official Ramble Strike Criteria, his manager thinks he’s brilliant and he’s the subject of transfer rumours that price him in the region of £40m.

But without a single piece of FIFA branded perspex to his name this year, Benzema was forced to prove his worth in the more traditional way against Getafe on Saturday. Using his feet.

Proper old school. We like it.



Speaking of old school, the Africa Cup of Nations kicked off this weekend, reminding us that in between moaning about the facilities, prices and quality of pies of our local club, we should occasionally take a moment to be grateful a turnstile is still the most efficient way to effect entry to a game.

That said, perhaps the turnstile was the most efficient way of entering the Bata Stadium for Equatorial Guinea’s opening fixture vs. Congo and this chap was just looking to get on the telly.


Perhaps not.

Either way, despite taking an early lead through Middlesbrough’s Emilio Nsue, Equatorial Guinea failed to pick up all three points, conceding a late equaliser to Thievy Bifouma. In Saturday’s other game, strikes by Dortmund’s Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Malick Evouna secured a 2-0 win for Gabon over Burkina Faso, which will be disappointing for magnificently named manager Paul Put.

Sunday saw two 1-1 draws - Crystal Palace’s Yannick Bolasie equalising for Dr Congo (MD) against Zambia, while Pete Donaldson’s Cape Verde needed a penalty to restore parity with Tunisia.

Herve Renard’s Ivory Coast play tomorrow. In case *anyone* was wondering.



Familiar with Newton’s Third Law?

The price you pay for that picture of Herve Renard is this Leandro Marin tackle in a pre-season FRIENDLY game between Boca Juniors and Racing.

This is one of the few occasions we can’t blame his teammates for losing the plot.

Justifiable scenes.


By Kelly Welles


Has our incisive and amusing Africa Cup of Nations coverage inspired you to get involved? British Eurosport HD is your one stop shop for exclusive live Africa Cup of Nations games. Listen out for more details on the show!

Reasons to be Cheerful: 1,2,3

16 January 2015


Ramblers, we’re torn.

On one hand, the idea of David Ginola running for the FIFA presidency feels like a reward for all the hours we’ve spent freezing our tits off watching football, the effort we put into supporting our clubs and the money we’ve invested.


Just imagine it. David Ginola at the helm of the good ship FIFA. Hair salons on every deck. Compulsory stubble. An immediate revocation of the law that states any player removing his shirt should receive a yellow card.

But. As football lovers with a vested interest in how the game is run, can we really treat this as anything more than another publicity stunt by Paddy Power, who have something of a reputation for the kind of ’bants’ we have spent the last twelve months rejecting?


The press conference announcing Ginola’s campaign implies it might be the latter.

Journalists were sceptical at best about Ginola’s credentials, questioning his knowledge of how FIFA is run, who’s involved and whether he’s having a laugh. Their persistence seemed to irritate the panel, who at times were reduced to making vague promises that Ginola “will learn”.

They seriously expected an easy ride from the English press because their figurehead is a footballing icon in our country? He’s going to have to learn bloody fast at this rate.

They’re running on emotion. We’ll state for the record that it’s marginally better than greed.

But not by much.


Even the hardest, most manly hearts will flutter at the sight of Fernando Torres scoring a brace at the Bernabeu last night to propel his Atletico Madrid side through to the quarter finals of the Copa Del Rey.


One swallow, or even two in the first minute of each half, does not a striker make, but it’s a start. And shutting up the home fans, who, moments before, were congratulating their Supreme Galactico on his second consecutive Ballon d’Or must be a helluva boost to that battered ego.

If you are unmoved, I must ask. Why do you keep clicking on these articles? You must bloody hate them.

Isn’t it great to see the first crop of alumni from the Richard Keys School of Football Presenting emerging into the game? #NeverKnowinglyBugged


By Kelly Welles

Ever wonder what happened to that beautiful big insect on James Rodriguez’ shirt?

15 January 2015




By Kelly Welles


Image via @oldpicsarchive.

It’s easy to be generous when you’ve just won the Ballon d’Or

14 January 2015

In this convivial video, shot after Monday’s harrowing Ballon d’Or ceremony, we see Cristiano Ronaldo Jr meeting Lionel Messi.

Apparently, the boy loves to watch them play online and talks about Leo a lot.

Bet Daddy loves that.


By Kelly Welles

Jack Wilshere: Emulating the greats

14 January 2015

Roy fancies him at the base of the England diamond, but by the looks of this, Jack Wilshere may end up emulating a more ‘forward thinking’ English player.

At least he didn’t gloat. That has to be progress, right?


By Kelly Welles

Download link for the latest show, ‘Ghost mam’ ...

13 January 2015

Hello you lovely lot. Just updating a couple of things on the site so we’ve lost the download link momentarily. It’ll be back for next week’s show.

Lots of love, Pete x

When men were men & Kevin Keegan was nervous…

13 January 2015

It’s 1969, people.

Arsenal’s Bobby Gould has just stamped on Gary Sprake’s balls and called him a Welsh something or other. Sprake responds by issuing a left hook that flattens Gould and, as far as Sprake remembers, took out a couple of his teeth.

The result? Yellow card.

And they say refereeing standards are in decline.


By Kelly Welles

Gif via reddit.

View from the Ramble Sofa: The Ballon d’Or Ceremony

13 January 2015

It didn’t start well.


When the photos of the finalists at the pre-ceremony interview began circulating on social media, Manuel Neuer had the look of a man invited to a dinner party by a couple who’d had a massive row just before he arrived.

Did he wonder, during those photocalls, whether it might have been better to stay in his box and ‘miss’ a couple of the incredible saves that put him on that stage in the first place?

The expression on his face suggested he did. Poor sod.

I switched on the coverage (Sky Sports 5 earning its keep there) just in time to catch the house band from a cruise ship specialising in holidays for the elderly and infirm.

While its always useful to know what a septuagenarian’s idea of popular music is,  we also have to point out that there were hundreds of footballers in that audience. If they actually want people to watch this event, they could do worse than using the slot to showcase players musical talents.

Select them at random (FIFA love a draw) and give them three months to write and learn a song that will then be performed on the stage. Viewing figures would go through the roof.

One assumes they rehearsed the show, but after five minutes or so, it became obvious that no one, particularly presenter Kate Abdo, had a clue what was going on.

Those old enough to remember will have been put in mind of Samantha Fox and Mick Fleetwood’s ‘effort’ at presenting the Brit Awards. It was like that, only without the hilarious size difference taking the edge off the excruciating silences.


Things reached a nadir when Abby Wambach, Marta and Nadine Kessler took the stage for a chat. This took everyone by surprise, including the translation department, who appeared to have forgotten to sort out a Portuguese translator. Marta, five time FIFA World Player of the Year, was therefore unable to offer a meaningful contribution.

It’s only Portuguese.  It’s not like the eventual winner speaks it, or Brazil are important in world football at all, is it?

Unsurprisingly, no one knew what to do with the trophy Abby Wambach was holding, and there was a solid thirty seconds of bafflement before the players were eventually shooed off the stage.


While sad to see Steph Roche missing out on the Puskas Award, it was reassuring to see the Daily Mail miss the entire point of the last twenty-five years and lead their coverage (at the time of writing, top story on their website) with a picture of Steph walking past Ronaldo and Messi, with the headline “No goal of the year, but still… what a Miss!”



Then Germany’s Nadine Kessler offered a brief glimpse of humanity in the turgid melee of hubris. 

She looked genuinely moved to receive her World Player of the Year award and offered her condolences to those killed in France in the past week, but we were soon back to the confusion as Thierry Henry appeared for the Ballon d’Or presentation, followed a few moments later by Sepp, who appeared to have been fetched from the buffet.


As you now know, Cristiano lifted it for the third time, said a few words, roared loudly into the microphone (presumably to wake up the FIFA committee members who’d dropped off) and then hugged his mini me and his mum.

I thought he might cry again, but he didn’t.

The only tears that were shed were in the living rooms of people forced to watch this bloated mess unfold.

The Ramble should have organised it. Or at least get Wogan on as UK summariser. Hell, you’ve got surplus to spend.

Do both.


By Kelly Welles

Roberto Mancini: Nice action

12 January 2015


By Kelly Welles


Weekend Highlights: The Empire Strikes Back

12 January 2015

Havng spent the last few years chasing their fleet footed shadows, you might imagine that Real Madrid would be revelling in every moment of Barca’s torment.


Claims and counter claims regarding the future of the club linchpin and the coach’s regime, coupled with embarrassing off-pitch sanctions and acrimonious departures of club legends are bad enough, but when they’re carried out against a backdrop of groundbreaking style and success, it looks all the more ugly.

“La Deci-what? ME!”

Shouldn’t this be enough for Real Madrid?

Not only do they get to watch their bitter rivals squirm under the pressure, but they can do so from the top of the table with a game in hand, Le Decima firmly locked up in the trophy cabinet and a team jammed full of their own legends, one of which is the odds on favourite to pick up the Ballon d’Or at the expense of his footballing nemesis.

Having seen the petulance on display at the Bernabeu on Saturday night, we can only assume it isn’t. A routine win vs. Espanyol was marred by Cristiano Ronaldo’s very public display of disaffection for teammate Gareth Bale, who failed to pass the ball into the box for him and instead shot wide.

Bale was duly booed by the Madrid fans, who clearly love a bit of pantomime as long as Jose Mourinho isn’t involved, but for outsiders, this kind of behaviour perpetuates the feeling that Ronaldo, and by extension, his team, resent eyes drifting elsewhere and will do almost anything to ensure they remain in the spotlight.

It’s not enough for him to win. Everyone else has to lose.

As a great man once said, “You are one of the most talented sportmen who has ever lived! We want to like you. You dick!”



There’s none of that poncing about in the MostEnviedLeagueInTheWorld™.

Southampton fans lit up the BBC606 switchboard last night with predictions that their 1-0 victory over Manchester United would be forgotten by the media in their haste to report just how atrocious United actually were, and a quick scan of the sports pages supports this theory.


But are they right to be put out? Far be it from me to defend the tabloid press, but which story is likely to attract more clicks? Southampton’s run of form would be awe-inspiring even if it hadn’t come off the back of a transfer window free for all, but there are only so many variations on the word plucky.

There’s a billion plus for crap and each and the football journalist’s thesaurus isn’t even close to running dry.


Either that, or Luke Moore has more power than we realise. Nottingham Forest’s recent run of form certainly implies so.


It’s not just Stuart Pearce who should be nervous right now.



PSG let relegation threatened Bastia overcome a 2-0 deficit to beat them 4-2.

Is it safe to assume from this that Jesus, in his infinite wisdom, does not want Zlatan for a sunbeam?

Can’t blame the guy.



We don’t approve of selfies here at the Ramble.

Unless you’re Francesco Totti and you’ve just equalised in the Rome derby to become joint top scorer in that fixture.

We’ll have that all day long. And twice on Sundays.


By Kelly Welles


Mido: That’s what being released from Barnsley will do to ya!

9 January 2015

The picture on Mido’s Twitter profile.


The tweet Mido posted this morning.


On the plus side, we know what he’s been doing for the last couple of years.


By Kelly Welles


H/T to the most excellent @PaulSarahs

Lille vs. Evian: Nous Sommes Tous Charlie

9 January 2015

It’s been a rough week for football, but nothing compared to the horror that unfolded at the offices of satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo on Wednesday, and sadly continues as I write.

We’ve personally sent our thoughts and prayers to those involved, and while politics isn’t an area we tend to venture into, this spontaneous version of the Marseillaise that broke out before the Lille vs. Evian match that night, is so touching and we wanted to share it with you.

Nous Sommes Tous Charlie.


By Kelly Welles

Thomas Muller: Armed… and extremely unnerving

8 January 2015


Dante has threatened to hit Thomas Muller in every Bayern Munich training session if the German doesn’t stop taking the piss about the 7-1 World Cup humbling.


Muller remains unfazed. Probably because he never goes to training without a full size baseball bat stashed about his person.


By Kelly Welles

Fernando Torres: The Prettiest Hobo

8 January 2015


After a kick-up and kiddie riddled unveiling at the Vicente Calderon in front of 45,000 fans, Fernando Torres made his second debut for Atletico Madrid last night.

Like that horrific miss vs. Manchester United, everything was laid on for the dream to ignite, but he failed to get a shot on target and was hooked after an hour.

Once again, we find ourselves wondering. Will he ever find the relocate the rich vein of form that propelled him into the bosom of the Kop? The form that prompted Chelsea to shell out £50m for his services, only to watch him stand about like a baffled labrador until his teammates stop laying the ball off to him?


Benitez couldn’t revive him, Mourinho couldn’t be arsed and, unsympathetic to his Chairman’s love affair with football’s increasingly tarnished golden boy, shipped him off to AC Milan where he scored fewer goals than Adel Taraabt.

In case he hadn’t got the message,  he was then the subject of a bizarre deal that saw Milan buy him, then send him out on loan to his boyhood club, Atletico Madrid, before he could spoil their lovely carpet by having a nervous wee on it.

Of course there’s still time. He’s only thirty and as we are learning from developments at Barcelona, pretty much anything is possible in this baffling game.

But Torres has played a hell of a lot of football. He made his debut for Atletico at the age of seventeen and hasn’t really stopped playing since, in a career that has seen him ‘in and around’ two European Championships and a World Cup, not to mention the four hundred plus domestic games.

Perhaps those golden moments on the green grass of Anfield, when his movement looked effortless and his relationship with Gerrard telepathic at times, were his peak.

And what a peak it was.


Juxtapose that thought with the fact that watching on at the Calderon last night was sixteen year old Martin Odegaard. Odegaard, who has represented the Norwegian senior national team and played first team football for Strømsgodset in Norway twenty-three times, is the subject of intense interest from several high profile clubs, but rumour has it that Real Madrid are the team to have secured his valuable signature.

As we watch one of the most exciting strikers in the world chase his confidence around the pitch like so many elusive shadows, another young man is on the cusp of the same journey. In ten years time, will we be bemoaning the demise of Odegaard, who, like Torres, shone so brightly he burned himself out?

We’re going to have to get used to the idea that at the elite level, it isn’t possible to perform consistently at the level we, the fans, demand, until the age of thirty-five.

Unless we do, a future of unfulfilled promise and hope over expectation awaits us. Sad ‘Nando will tell you that.


By Kelly Welles

Mauro Icardi: (Still) making friends & influencing people

7 January 2015

You might be miffed that he didn’t pass the ball to you, Dani Osvaldo, but at least he didn’t steal your missus and put pictures of her all over his Twitter.



By Kelly Welles

Ched Evans: Stepping back

6 January 2015


And so it rumbles on.

Back in October, Ched Evans was released from prison on licence and rumours abounded that Sheffield United, his former employers, were contemplating the possibility of offering him a contract.


Everyone had an opinion, including me. I wrote here that it should be up to the fans to decide and ultimately it was. I didn’t receive any online abuse but many did, including (but in no way limited to) campaigner Jean Hatchet and Olympic gold medallist Jessica Ennis-Hill, who had the temerity to state that she would request the removal of her name from a stand at Bramall Lane if Evans was re-employed because she believed in the importance of athletes as role models.

For this, she was threatened with… yep, you guessed it. Rape.

Football, forgive them. For they know not what they do.

Anyone who has experience of rape, whether directly or via a relative or friend, would not be bandying the word around so cheaply. To them it’s just a word. Like banter for sexism, racism and homophobia. It’s annoying, it’s offensive but essentially irrelevant.


As time has passed, other people, seemingly boasting more brain cells than euphemisms for penis, have put together cogent, thoughtful arguments as to why Evans should be allowed to continue his football career.

Their reasoning tends towards the legal rather than the emotional - namely that Evans has been punished for the offence and should therefore be free (under licence, of course) to continue with his life and career.

In the early debates, the examples cited were clumsy and unwieldy. If Ched Evans was a binman he would be free to go back to work etc etc, but over time these have gradually evolved into something a little more sophisticated. Comparisons have been drawn between Evans’ case and those involving Luke McCormick and Lee Hughes, both of whom were able to resume their playing careers after being convicted of crimes that resulted in the deaths of others.

In McCormick’s case, two young children.

At face value, it seems reasonable. Same job, similar circumstances, similar conclusion. If they killed people and played again, the argument goes, why can’t Evans, who was responsible for the death of no one?

But don’t be fooled. Although not Neanderthal in their construction, these arguments are still as invalid as those of their hashtag warrior predecessors and in fact, articulate precisely why the Ched Evans case, every case, in fact, should be treated on its own merit.

Albert Camus. Probably busy.

Does anyone reading this seriously think that we can solve an existential question of this magnitude using Twitter and an Etch-A-Sketch? Great philosophers have devoted their entire lives to considering such matters and never reached a satisfactory conclusion, so why would we even think to drag that into the debate?

It’s entirely unnecessary. The problem is silently, efficiently resolving itself, in the manner that these things tend to do while we’re all fannying about with our wild notions.


In the world of football, our world of football, money and publicity are controlling factors. We might not like it, but we support the game and are therefore complicit.

Thus, if Jessica Ennis-Hill, a high profile, high achieving, inspirational woman, states that she does not want people applauding Ched Evans from a stand with her name emblazoned upon it, that is her right to do so. If high profile companies want to pull out of sponsorships because clubs are considering employing Evans, that is their right too. If an individual wants to set up a petition to protest about his employment, she is free to do so.

The press report it, and we bitch about it. Endlessly. Our ability to speak freely is what propels us into these futile forays down cul-de-sacs, each step taking us further and further away from our intended destination. 

We stride confidently into the Twitter wilderness, desperate to become the person to solve ‘Ched Evans’ and claim the tarnished glory therein, rolling about in the sordid details while complaining about the moral turpitude of men and their uncontrollable sex drives, women who get pissed in short skirts and ask for it, while Ched Evans proclaims his innocence and remains unrepentant as he maintains his website and wears the hangdog expression of the man wronged.

The noise is deafening.

Imagine how it feels to the one person who has to listen to this cacophony but can’t have their say. The individual whose crime was to go out and get drunk, to be drawn into a game she doesn’t recognise, by pros versed in the rules of engagement. To know that her decision making, clothing, mood, stance and actions on that night are being constantly scrutinised and criticised by people who have absolutely no idea what happened and treat it as an abstract. Entertainment, if you like.

You’re free to argue that Evans has had enough grief over this. It’s your right.

Count yourself lucky. She has none.


By Kelly Welles


Money ball image via caughtoffside.

Dear Andy & Billi…

5 January 2015


Thanks for sharing your home with us. It’s really special.

But before you get too carried away thinking you might be in line for the most terrifying application of fuschia in architectural history award, please refer to the image below.


Stephen & Jessica Ireland had that beauty sewn up back in 2010.

ireland 2

Nice try though.


By Kelly Welles

Well done, he’s a scaffolder

5 January 2015

Come on, Birmingham City fans. Taking the piss out of a professional keeper is one thing.

Relentlessly abusing a man who spends his days erecting scaffolding during what must be one of the highlights of his life is another.

Fortunately for you, he was a great sport. But you’ve depleted your annual allocation of ‘TheMagicOfTheFACup’ by at least 50%.

Think on.


By Kelly Welles

OwenBalls: Literally. Ruud.

31 December 2014


“Colemanballs is a term coined by Private Eye magazine to describe verbal gaffes perpetrated by sports commentators.”


And there we were thinking that Owen could never hope to emulate the greats.

Happy New Year, Ramblers!


By Kelly Welles


H/T @cleverdevice

A Very Ramble Christmas - Download our Christmas compilation now!

29 December 2014


The Football Ramble is absolutely delighted to bring you a free, weekly round up of all the football action. As long as TFR’s heart is pumping, we promise that every week you’ll get a football show, completely free of charge. Over the last 7.5 years, we’ve produced and released over 280 Rambles and enjoyed every second of doing so.

However, we are also completely comfortable and happy to offer extra content to our loyal listeners who are keen to hear a bit more and who don’t mind paying for it.

To that end, we are delighted to offer our end-of-year Christmas compilation, rounding up all the best action from throughout 2014, expertly introduced by the voice that launched a thousand cable TV shows - Mr Pete Donaldson.

Join us for 90 minutes plus injury time (see what we did there?) as we guide you, ad-free, through all the thrills and spills of the Ramble over the last year.

This extra, bespoke Ramble is available from iTunes for the highly competitive sum of £1.79 and is the perfect accompaniment to a lazy Christmas afternoon on the sofa, sweating out all that turkey and Christmas cake.

We would of course greatly appreciate your financial contribution to the show, it helps us continue to produce The Ramble to the same standard on a weekly basis. We don’t want to ask for donations, we’d prefer to give you something in return for your generosity, and this is it.

Thanks for all your support throughout 2014, we wish you a very Merry Christmas! Here’s to a great 2015!

Due to technical reasons, our compilation isn’t currently available on iTunes, so to purchase The Football Ramble Christmas Compilation, click here for a PayPal link

Weekend Highlights: Big man upfront

22 December 2014


Cristiano Ronaldo doesn’t need me to feel sorry for him, but I have to confess to a twinge of sympathy for the bronzed bombshell this morning as I read the Carry On Newsroom coverage of the unveiling of his statue in Madeira.


Seriously. Post ‘Beckham Effect’, what’s a man to do? Since D-Beck made his first foray into the horribly expensive knicker market, we have all become obsessed; not necessarily with what lies beneath the small triangle of fabric that lurks upon a man’s groin, but with the dimensions and proportions of the bulge, and what it implies about his virility.

If the erection at Ronaldo’s museum in Funchal yesterday had been a bungalow, we’d have all channelled our inner Kenneth Williams and sniggered at the incredible oversight. As it’s a horizontal version of the Eiffel Tower, we just assume the artistic representation of his undercarriage is yet another manifestation of his enormous hubris.


The sculptor’s probably laughing their arse off. Not because they’ve humliated one of the greatest sportsmen of the modern era, but because while everyone’s talking about the contents of Crispy’s shorts, no one’s mentioned that the statue’s face looks as much like Ronaldo’s as mine does.



It’s usually Chris Kamara’s broadcasting ineptitude that keeps us entranced with Soccer Saturday (it’s certainly not Paul Merson’s unfamiliarity with today’s players or Charlie Nicholas’ fashion terrorism) but Jff Stelliing literally hurled himself into the festive fray when Hartlepool scored on Saturday.

He broke his microphone. Ironic given he’s generally the only person on that show that says anything sensible.

Gareth Jelleyman being the exception to prove the rule, of course.


Hear that? it’s the sound of Pete Donaldson’s heart** shattering. Over and over again.

**No horses were punched during the writing of this post.


By Kelly Welles

That German efficiency cliche in full

19 December 2014

Why would Sven Bender take out one player when he can take two?


By Kelly Welles

The first recorded outbreak of ‘Banter’?

19 December 2014

It would be decades before Richard Keys found a discreet hair removal system that worked for him.

Years before Andy Townsend expanded upon Schrödinger’s cat experiment by describing players occupying two places simultanously on the field of play.

Months before someone told Andy Gray that you had to remove the lid off a biro before it would write.

But (as we’ve now learned is traditional) only seconds before someone in and around the Sky studios assaults someone else with the ‘banter’ stick.


By Kelly Welles

What? No Keggy?

18 December 2014

They missed a trick here. Footballs? Helicopters? The very real possibility of suffering a blunt head trauma on a football pitch?


Come on, Capital One! If you can afford Wrighty, Tyldo and Big Jens’ favourite mode of transport, you can afford Newcastle’s second favourite Messiah.

A shameful oversight. He’ll be gutted.


By Kelly Welles

The Fallon d’Floor: Quick, before Uncle Sepp gets back!

18 December 2014


If you’re not familiar with the darker recesses of the internet, you could be forgiven for thinking that Reddit is the last refuge of the evolutionarily and intellectually bereft.


However, lurking among those posts so grim they occasionally seep into the mainstream (the racists, the homophobes, the blokes whose idea of a date is to club a woman over the head and drag her back to the cave) are the places where the creative let their imaginations run free.

Sometimes, to great effect.

Apparently inspired by a thread on the aforementioned network, the Fallon d’Floor celebrates that most controversial of footballing actions - the dive.


Six superb dives, including Arjen Robben’s heroic effort against Mexico and the now infamous ‘flapping cod’ by Adryan, have been selected for your delectation, the criteria including whether the dive resulted in a positive outcome for the offender’s team.


It’s fabulous and almost certainly likely to be the subject of legal action as soon as FIFA have stopped panicking about the Garcia report and realise people are having a good time with something that can be tenuously linked back to them.

Get over there and vote before that happens. We should never, ever waste an opportunity to stick one up FIFA and those players who take themselves a little *too* seriously sometimes.



By Kelly Welles


Image via

The Football Ramble Live! In Oslo!

16 December 2014

Up until now, the residents of Oslo have had to rely on Valerenga for football entertainment

That’s right, as you may have heard on the latest episode, classily titled ‘Toilet Copter’, we’re heading up to Scandinavia for another The Football Ramble Live! How on the heels of our sold out UK mini-tour in January, we’re jumping up to Norway and more specifically Oslo to chat football at Pokalen, after the Merseyside derby.

And, as promised, here are details should you wish to attend:

Venue : Pokalen, central Oslo
Date: Saturday 7th February 2015
Time : 4pm
Tickets are 100 Norwegian crowns, available from, and are on sale now

Whether you’re an Oslo native, just passing through, or want to make a special trip to an amazing city to see a unique live recording of your favourite football show, it would be absolutely fantastic to see you there. If you have any further enquiries, please email .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and we’ll do our best to answer them for you.

#RambleForever #NeverAlone #RambleWorldwide

Pione Sisto: Meet the parents

16 December 2014

Two things.

If you’re going to call a press conference to announce you have just been selected for U21 duty, the chances are, it’s probably fair to say you enjoy a bit of attention.

Secondly, this kind of parental mentalism takes years of work to accomplish. It doesn’t just come out of the blue and you’re going to have experienced the fallout before reaching to age of 19.

Still, congratulations to Pione Sisto on at least attemptng to harness the mayhem upon his call upi for Denmark’s U21 squad. And simultaneously turning an otherwise borning and unneccessary presser into an experience those journalists are never likely to forget.

He’ll go far, that one.


By Kelly Welles

Brendan Rodgers: It’s not right, but it’s ok

16 December 2014


Just as he thought his festive period couldn’t get any worse, this picture of a youthful Brendan Rodgers emerges on the internet.

We’re not passing judgement; the 90s was a ‘difficult’ decade as far as fashion was concerned (see above) and while I haven’t asked the boys, I’m certain there are equally horrifying moustache attempts lurking on top lips across the Ramble Family archives.

Not mine, obviously. I had a full, Roy Keane beard by the time I was fifteen. OK?


By Kelly Welles


Tomas Brolin: Growing pains

15 December 2014


In Euro 92, scenes like this made me love Tomas Brolin so much, my parents bought me his Sweden shirt.

I still have it.


If it had grown proportionately with the man over the passing years, we’d all be able to go camping in it now.


By Kelly Welles

Weekend Highlights: Class is permanent

15 December 2014

Manchester United 3-0 Liverpool


Let’s be clear; this resurgence in form is a huge inconvenience. The whole ‘Sir Alex is the beating heart of the club and when he leaves, Manchester United will wither and die’ was as much a part of English football folklore as Clough’s tenure at Forest and Euro 96, and a narrative all but irresistible to the media and non-United fans alike.

Moyes calamitous reign was grist to we eager millers and when Louis van Gaal was appointed, the perfect pre-season campaign was merely a cheeky blip in a long hoped for decline -  the club’s worst start since 1986. Calls for van Gaal’s sacking were resonating around Old Trafford as recently as late October.

You can probably still hear the echo in certain sections of the ground.

van gaal

But the man as famous for his unconventional management techniques as his trophy collection showed the world his balls in a slightly more subtle way, ignoring the mad flame flapping by a media desperate for the story to catch fire by insisting upon a commodity scarce in modern football - time.

The fruits of his labours were evident in yesterday’s game vs. arch rivals Liverpool; a game rather rashly described by some as the most fiercely contested derby in the world, but no one told Liverpool, who, Raheem Sterling aside, looked toothless and frankly, incapable of competing at the level laid out by Manchester United in the opening minutes.

Liverpool’s problems aside (if you can find a warehouse large enough to temporarily accomodate Gerrard, Mignolet, Suarez, Rodgers, Balotelli and the rest), United were drilled, dispassionate and capable.

It was a disconcerting sight for those of us just getting comfortable with the new, eminently beatable team who failed to pick up points when they played badly; an irritating yet defining characteristic of all Ferguson’s teams.

The efficacy of the goalkeeper. The calm, metronomic ball distribution of the midfield. The defender disabling trickery from the nippy winger and the decisive smash from the mercurial captain. Is anyone else finding this familiar?

Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t perfect. James Wilson looked inexperienced, ineffective and frankly knackered after an hour. Sterling should have done better with the opportunities he created for himself and Juan Mata was horribly offside for the second goal.

But they’re third in the table, that was their sixth win on the spin and have a battalion of talent due back in time for the festive period, while Manchester City have lost Aguero and Chelsea are surely due a dip in their imperious form.


And all the while, Sir Alex sits in his seat and surveys his domain from the directors box. But take heart, neutrals. While you’re rolling your eyes and wondering how they’ve managed to snatch victory from the slavering jaws of what was, just a few weeks ago, almost certain defeat, at least the headline writers are having to bin their story arc for the net three months and come up with something original.

That has to count for something, right?


Leicester City 0-1 Manchester City

It’s not often you see two professionals on opposite teams acknowledge each other’s talent.

If it wasn’t for Cambiasso’s glorious baldness, we’d imagine them sharing a bottle of Head & Shoulders after the game.

Hertha Berlin 1-0 Borussia Dortmund

Don’t be too impressed by Dortmund’s altruism.

The way they’re playing this season, the only way they’ll be qualifying for any kind of competition is through Fair Play.


By Kelly Welles

Alan Pardew: Got your big plate, Alan?

10 December 2014


You thought right, Sam. Magnificent work!



By Kelly Welles


H/T sbnation.

Arsenal: She drives them crazy

10 December 2014

This video from last month showed us what happened when a gang of Arsenal players were stuffed into a Citroen with a woman purporting to be Arsenal Ladies’ latest recruit. (It was actually stunt driver Annalease Ferrari.)

You’d imagine they’d be used to travelling in a vehicle driven by someone who appears to have lost control of their faculties, wouldn’t you?

Then again, maybe not.


By Kelly Welles

Maciek Adamiak: Wrong footing the keeper. A masterclass

5 December 2014

Maciek Adamiak, the chap reponsible for this joyful bit of trickery, isn’t even a professional player. The game was a charity match between two Polish television channels a couple of months ago.

Our Poland office* has confirmed that Adamiak won a Polish talent show called ‘Supertalent’, a show in which contestants perform a series of challenges to win a contract with a TV station.

Which, if this clip is any evidence, was a contract to be a weatherman.

Nevermind, Maciek. If the meteorology gig doesn’t pan out, you can always have a crack at the footie.


By Kelly Welles


*When we say ‘our Poland office’ we mean Kelly, google translate and a fair bit of creative licence. If you don’t know that already, you’re not spending enough time on the site.

Audi & Real Madrid: Please sir? Can we have some more?

4 December 2014

As Chris Rock recently pointed out, wealthy people get a hell of a lot of free shit, despite having more than enough money to buy the company ten times over.

On Monday, Real Madrid and Audi set about proving how right Rock is, by taking part in their Annual ‘giving ludicrously expensive cars to blokes who couldn’t care less but they’re contractually obliged to show up” Extravaganza!

Here are the pics. You know, for shitz n’ giggles.


Here’s Cristiano Ronaldo with his Audi S8, reportedly the fastest machine available on the day.

He’ll have wrapped that around a tree by now, surely?


Gareth Bale chose the Q7. “Luxury with comfort and versatility in one dynamic package”.

The car’s not bad, either.


Do gangsta’s drive Audis? Really?


Wait, what? Is Mourinho the CEO of Audi now?


By Kelly Welles

Football happened. We have the pictures to prove it

4 December 2014

Sunderland 1-4 Manchester City

Pablo Zabaleta has been mates with Lionel Messi for years. You’re gonna pick stuff up, aren’t you?


Chelsea 3-0 Tottenham


Although thrilled that Didier had scored, a glimpse of Geoff Shreeves on the touchline was sufficient to render Branislav Ivanovic helpless.


Arsenal 1-0 Southampton


Receipt of the Player of the Month Award prior to the game was a low key affair for Alexis Sanchez.


Burnley 1-1 Newcastle


The downside to Newcastle United’s recent resurgence.


Everton 1-1 Hull City

The football phone-in. Universally recognised as the last refuge of the terminally baffled.


Leicester City 1-3 Liverpool

You see what happens when you threaten a man with an MLS contract?


Alloa Athletic 3-2 Rangers

Ally McCoist performs the universally recognised gesture for being 2-0 up vs. Alloa after an hour, shipping three in seventeen minutes and getting dumped out of the Petrofac Training Cup.


SD Huesca 0-4 FC Barcelona (Copa Del Rey)

Rumours that Andres Iniesta is less effective in Barcelona’s midfield have been wildly exaggerated.


Empoli 2-0 Genoa (Coppa Italia)

Oh, come on. You’re just taking the piss now.


By Kelly Welles


H/T 101greatgoals, thesecretfootballer.

Emmanuel Petit: A little bit of politics there

3 December 2014


“In England, they’ve built a statue of Thierry.That means a lot. He is revered there. This bad image [in the French press] of Thierry Henry, it annoys me.

What can we reproach Henry for? His handball against Ireland? He helped France qualify for the World Cup in South Africa. He has done nothing.

France is hypocritical and cowardly. Sometimes I think that if we’d been overrun by the Germans, we’d be better run.”

                                                                                            Emmanuel Petit,

The media training England players receive means we are completely and utterly unprepared for footballers to make statements like this.

Shame, really. After hurling himself to the defence of former teammate Thierry Henry, Emmanuel Petit then moved into a passionate diatribe against unpunished corruption in politics.

Seriously. It’s like Darren Anderton having an outburst about MPs’ expenses during an interview with Sky Sports. 

Which would obviously be brilliant.


By Kelly Welles

Napoli Calendar: Rome, if you want to…

3 December 2014


Bastards stole our idea for the 2015 Football Ramble calendar.


If you can use an industrial sized drum of coconut oil, several (used) leather look thongs and a crate of miscellaneous Roman fancy dress costumes, give us a shout.

Otherwise, Hartlepool may never recover from Pete’s attempt at ‘festive merriment’.


By Kelly Welles

Mario Balotelli: This is why

2 December 2014


Super, Mario. Just super.


By Kelly Welles

Awards Season: A whole new worldie of pain

2 December 2014

You can’t have a say in the Ballon d’Or.

The right to vote is bestowed upon international captains, international coaches and selected media representatives (in England’s case, very selected. We weren’t asked, for a start), which, this year, is probably a reason to be cheerful.

How to differentiate between three blokes who’ve all, in their own unique way, changed the landscape of football in 2014?


Messi, who, despite off-pitch problems has continued dragging Barcelona to record breaking performances, sometimes, single-footedly.

The latest, Telmo Zarra’s longstanding record of goals in La Liga, would surely in any other year make him a shoo-in for the award.


Oh, Crisps.

Love him or loathe his needy desire to be seen as the best, he won La Decima this year, broke the Champions League top scorer record and is arguably the form player of the three.


As for Neuer? Not much. Just redefined goalkeeping with his astonishing sorties, skills and masterful control of his area. Which he has extended by a few hundred square feet.

Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard punch. We’ll concentrate instead on the Puskas Award, which we can have a say in.

As Stephanie Roche has proved, it doesn’t matter whether you score your goal in the Maracana in a World Cup last sixteen game vs. Uruguay, during the comprehensive dismantling of a global footballing superpower or for Peamount United vs. Wexford Youths in the Women’s Irish National League.

A cracking goal is a cracking goal and it’s pretty much down to whether you prefer your balls tapped then smacked, bounced off the chest and belted or simply headbutted.

There’s hope for us all, assuming you’ve got a large media organisation, a mate or a compliant stranger in the stands filming you. Vote here, with the enthusiasm of a person who knows that if they learn to play football really well in the next two months, they could be on this list next year.

And probably on the Football Ramble website. A far superior honour, I’m sure you’ll agree.


By Kelly Welles

Idea for a romantic comedy: “Off the rails with Marcus & Sven”

1 December 2014

I can think of someone who’d be much more suited to a shed based romcom starring Svennigans in uniform.

Can’t you?


By Kelly Welles

Weekend Highlights: A touch of class

1 December 2014


It might be a game in which success and glory are separated by the finest of margins, but there are few outside the Kop who would rate Steven Gerrard above Andrea Pirlo.

The former’s presence on the bench for the game vs. Stoke City was the foaming point of the weekend until Sergio Aguero’s yellow card for diving, and despite being on the pitch when Glen Johnson pulled a John Terry and stuck his head where sensible men fear to tread, speculation about his role in the Liverpool line-up continues.

If you’re Stevie G, the man who practically invented the ThunderBastard whose career is based upon dragging your beloved Reds, sometimes kicking and screaming, to silverware and glimpses of the domestic glory that has eluded them for years, you’d have to wonder whether the planets were aligning against you.

At the height of the ‘Golden Generation’ debate, could he have possibly imagined that in the twilight of his career the debate about his place on the park would have shifted from “can he and Lampard play together in the midfield?” to “can he play in the midfield at all?”.

This is especially ironic given that Lampard was deemed surplus to requirements at the club where he made his name and is currently smashing them in for their only realistic title rival.

And then there’s Pirlo, whose career trajectory casts a looming shadow over any player attempting to evade a trip down the dumper, as Smash Hits used to say. His hipster status and cultured image rather lend themselves to the calm, laidback ball distribution of the Regista, while the explosive bursts and Hollywood balls that characterised Gerrard’s game in his younger years are an awkward fit, espeically for the Premier League.

The fact that Brendan Rodgers career at Liverpool is inextricably tied into working this problem out will invariably speed things to a conclusion, which, if current speculation is to be believed, comes in the form of a contract in the MLS.


A lucrative, if somehow inadequate ending to a real life ‘Roy of the Rovers’ tale. Maybe he should grow a big old beard and take up wine tasting.

Can’t hurt, can it?



ESTADIO LA ROSADELA. 20:40. A voice speaks in the style of a world weary newsreader.

Another record was smashed in La Liga yesterday. Real Madrid beat Malaga 2-1 to take them to sixteen consecutive victories in all competitions. Gareth Bale and Karim Benzema scored the goals, both assists coming via Cristiano Ronaldo, who had a lovely time despite having his shirt pulled a lot.

Barcelona are within two points of the league leaders after a last minute goal from Sergio Busquets. Football expects another seven La Liga records to have been broken by either Real Madrid or Barcelona in the time it took to read this post entry.




On the plus side, If Kloppo can pull this around, he won’t be forced to down play speculation of a move to Arsenal. They’re way too self-harmy to get someone in who might actually improve their title chances.



In the same game, Eintracht Frankfurt striker Haris Seferovic celebrated his goal by revealing this t-shirt; a tribute to 23 year old student Tuğçe Albayrak, who died on Friday after she was assaulted while intervening in the harassment of two young women in a McDonalds car park.

A rare beacon of light at a time when football is still wrestling with the Ched Evans issue. Thank god.


By Kelly Welles

The Football Ramble Live in Manchester, Edinburgh and London - Tickets on sale now!

28 November 2014

The Football Ramble Live

After a ‘string’ (two) of ‘highly successful’ (not bad) sold out shows in London, The Football Ramble and Bust-a-Gut Productions are pleased to announce three more The Football Ramble Live events in January!

Marcus, Luke, Jim and Pete will be taking their unique brand of humour and football chat to the National Football Museum, Manchester on Friday 23rd January, Pleasance One, Edinburgh on Saturday 24th January, and back in London at the Bloomsbury Theatre on Monday 26th January, with each show introduced by the magnificent Doc Brown.

Expect all your favourite features, irreverent chat and a few surprises thrown in (seriously, Marcus is mates with Craig Brown now so anything could happen)!

We’re delighted to announce that tickets for all three shows are on sale now, and you can purchase them by visiting the following links:

National Football Museum, Manchester, Friday 23rd January 2015 (£12): (NOW SOLD OUT)

Pleasance One, Edinburgh, Saturday 24th January 2015 (£12): (NOW SOLD OUT)

Bloomsbury Theatre, London, Monday 26th January 2015 (£15):

See you all there!

The F(ootball) Files: Ghost in the machine

27 November 2014

Runs at inhuman speeds. Virtually transparent. Creates bafflement & speculation wherever it goes.



Is it Fernando Torres?


By Kelly Welles



26 November 2014


If you’re offended by this, please try and remember….


By Kelly Welles



Carlo Ancelotti: His greatest achievement yet?

26 November 2014

He’s won more honours than we can be arsed to list, but somehow it still feels like his mimicking Cristiano Ronaldo’s vainglorious celebration during Real Madrid’s 4-0 victory over Eibar is Carlo Ancelotti’s most brilliant act on a football pitch to date.

Lovely bit of work.


By Kelly Welles